What Really is Stupid?

stupid (adjective) - not carefully considered or sensible - marked by or resulting from unreasoned thinking or acting.  

I hate being considered stupid because I'm blond.  That prejudice makes me feel self conscious when I'm trying to do something like talk to auto mechanics who see me coming and instantly start to hear the cha-ching of a cash register.  They're pretty sure that I'll accept anything they say without question because blonds are not supposed to be very bright.  So when they come back with a diagnosis that my car has a broken "flux capacitor" and it will take thousands of dollars to fix it, they figure that I'll take out a credit card and gladly hand it to them, no questions asked.   Unfortunately for them, I happen to be a big fan of the "Back to the Future" movies, so unless they plan on installing one so I can go forward or backward in time, I'll get a second opinion.  

Being blond does not have the perks you might think it would.  They are so many stereotypes of the "dumb blond" in the media dating back to the 1930's (think Jean Harlow), to the 1950's (Jayne Mansfield and Marilyn Monroe) to the 1960's (Goldie Hawn) to the 1970's (Chrissy on Three's Company).  Unfortunately, people like Paris Hilton seem to make the case that your brains wash out with the bleach.  It creates some real pressure not to say or do anything that would be considered stupid and if, God forbid, that you make a mistake because you're blond, then it confirms the idea you are naturally not as smart as the non-blonds.   I've actually had people talk slower to me than a brunette in the same room because they believe that bubble headed mentality. Being the only blond in a workplace of women can be toxic - because if your colleagues buy into that stereotype - they can make you feel like the weak sister no matter how many projects you complete on time, how many awards you win or sales you complete.  It feels like any mistake you make is magnified because being blond automatically implies that you are stupider then anyone else in the office.  You know you're intelligent and yet the constant condescension can really wear you down. 

But I think the stigma of stupid can have far reaching consequences even at an early age.  For girls, whether they are blond or not, the issue of intelligence can be a tough balance in our society.   Before the age of 10, studies have shown that young girls are more likely to raise their hands or participate in class because they have a certainty of the knowledge they possess.  As they get older, they are afraid of being seen as a nerd or worse - smarter than a boy they like, so they dumb themselves down and pretend to know less than they do.   They act dumb to get the guy and let's face it - that's just plain stupid.  For instance, in Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan's character, Cady went from a smart geek girl to one of the plastics just to get a guy.  She even pretends to fail a math class so that the guy who was tutoring her would not find out that she could have easily aced all her tests.   In Legally Blond, Reese Witherspoon as Elle Woods starts out as dumb blond who has no idea about her potential and then solves a murder case that would have been impossible for her fashion and hair phobic counterparts to figure out.  Turns out that being style savvy worked in her favor but it took a long time for her colleagues to take her seriously - they were blinded by her good looks, blond hair and hourglass figure.   

When I performed with the improv group Mental Floss, I did a character named Fluffy La Puff.  She was a stereotypical dumb blond with a Marilyn Monroe/Swedish accent.   She would say suggestive things like "I don't know you, but I know I want to love  you!" and "Let's play the Teddy Bear game, I'll wear the Teddy and you can be the bear!"   She wore a tight short blue dress with white pumps, had big boobs (rolled stockings can give you the illusion of serious TaTas.) and a platinum wig.   My reason for doing her was to lampoon the screen goddesses who had made a living playing dumb.   I wanted men to see how boring that sort of woman would be and for women, that they would never be taken seriously if you acted like a bimbo.   So after I did her, I expected the guys to make fun of her, but instead I had a few men come up to me after the show and tell me that Fluffy was their favorite character because she was hot and dumb.   "Real women are too complicated - with Fluffy - what you see is what you get," a middle aged man said wistfully.    I would have hated for him to take Fluffy home only to find out that her two biggest assets were some strategically placed panty hose stuffed into a D cup bra.  I should have expected that from a few sexually frustrated men, but surely the women in the audience got what I was doing.   "Where did you get those white pumps?   They are totally sexy," asked a young college girl.   "Wait, didn't you get the point about Fluffy?" I asked.  "Sure," her friend said, "White pumps make your legs look long, tan and you can wear them with anything."  Sigh. 

I think the biggest problem with the word stupid is how it's used.    Many times it's an insult meant to demean.   Those who use it often don't want to learn more about the person they are labeling.  It's easier to dismiss an idea or person as stupid rather than looking further.   Albert Einstein was once thought of as stupid by the headmasters of his school because he was curious and asked more questions then the other children.   He questioned and didn't accept the status quo.  He was great at physics but struggled in other subjects  --  even math which he freely admitted to.   He understood that making mistakes was a way to grow and that it didn't mean you were dumb - it just taught you how to think critically and learn.   One of my favorite Einstein quotes is:  "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."  I once worked for a man who was petrified of making mistakes and hated when anyone on his staff did.  If he caught it - he'd totally blow it out of proportion and made you feel totally incompetent.   While I understand the "failure is not an option" mentality - sometimes you need to fail to learn how to succeed.  Fearing mistakes leads to stagnation and keeps you at a putrefying level of mediocrity. 

For me, the definition of stupid is having the knowledge to do or prevent something but choosing not to.   For instance, people who text and drive are really, really stupid.  You'd have to live under a rock to not know how dangerous and illegal it is.    Probably the best thing I've learned from the assumption that I'm a dumb blond is that you can't judge people based on how they look, what they wear, what country they come from, their religion or any of the other silly things we want to base our preconceptions on.  I try to get to know people instead of assigning a convenient label - it's just a smart thing to do.   As anyone whose ever worked with me can tell you, it's really a bad idea to underestimate me - in fact it's downright stupid. 

Laughing at Bullies

My bully Lisa stepped out onto the sidewalk just a few doors down from my house.  She had been bullying me since elementary school.  But now at 11,  I was taller and she was nastier.  I never knew what I did to make her want to bully me.  The first time it happened we were both in the first grade and I got a Partridge Family lunch box and apparently she hated the show (okay - in hindsight I understand why).  I had my cherry juice in the matching thermos and she grabbed it and smashed it right on Danny Bonaduce's face.   The red juice spattered everywhere like a bloody scene right out of the movie Scarface.  I told my Mom, but Lisa's family was the one house on the block with the lawn that was never mowed and the dad with the notoriously bad temper - so the whole neighborhood stayed clear.  They were never invited to the Friday night dinner parties.   I tried to avoid her, but she'd pick up my scent and track me down.   I didn't have to track her scent, it was pretty bad and the sight of her made my eyes water.   My stomach became an instant gas chamber. 

She stood there in her popsicle splattered t-shirt.  The juice had run down her arm which was stained red and mixed with a light dusting of dirt, her hair filled with sticks and leaves.  Apparently she had to wrestle that popsicle to the ground to eat it.   I should have taken the long way home, but it was starting to thunder and I needed to get home quickly.   Rain storms come in fast in Miami around 4:00 p.m.   I had about 5 minutes before it would pour.  Lisa wouldn’t budge and was making it a point to tell me how fat and stupid I was, even through I had lost weight and was an honor student.   But each word made me doubt my weight and my intelligence - that's how bullies wear you down. 

I tried to walk around her but she kept getting closer.  Sensing that I might be cold cocked in the stomach once again with her sticky juice stained hand – I decided to try a different tactic.   I put out my butt, started to walk funny and taking my cue from a Carol Burnett sketch, said “Mr. Tudball – I have pencils to sharpen!”  Lisa stepped back and looked at me with eyes as big as golf balls.  "What did you say?" she asked.   "I have pencils to sharpen!!" I replied, sticking my butt our even further.  I heard a boy laughing behind me and turned to see her older brother Michael watching the whole thing unfold.   He was the one nice person in the family who got along with the rest of the kids on the block.  "Carol Burnett - Mrs. Wiggins, I love that sketch."  He then turned to Lisa, "Good God, haven't you ever heard of a napkin? C'mon Mom wants you home before the storm hits."  Lisa turned still looking at me with my butt sticking out.  They both started to laugh and I ran home just as the first drops were beginning to splat. 

Making people laugh has always been a refuge for me whether I was that chunky little girl with the David Cassidy Tiger Beat magazine or the girl in Junior High who had lost a ton of weight over the summer vacation.   Just like a runner who gets that endorphin high after a run or a heroin addict that needs that rush from their next fix, comedy is my drug.  It just makes me happy.   I get a heady feeling and a blast of energy after a show with my partners at the OTC Comedy Troupe.  Whether it's doing improv for an audience of 300 or a show for 10 people in a coffee shop - just bringing laughter into someone's life is something that I take very seriously.  I've seen it heal me.  I've seen it heal others.  

I've seen the parents of children with developmental disabilities hire my comedy troupe for a show and then ask us to do some really blue comedy that was totally politically incorrect because they just needed to escape for a few hours.  One night, we performed for two hours straight - not stopping for our usual intermission because the comedy and the healing needed to keep on going.  The energy of the room was transformed and their faces were brighter -- ready go back home and deal with a child that they loved dearly but who was not emotionally equipped to communicate that love back.  

I've seen my actors who had a piss poor day at work revive at workshop and feel renewed after a "play-date" with the other company members.   I've pulled my self out of painful funks and crying jags by dragging myself to the web show and getting a rush of energy from our audience.   

I'd like to say that once you leave school, you leave the bullies behind.  But as any women whose been at the mercy of the Mean Girls can tell you, it doesn't always happen.   It still pervades at our colleges, social circles and workplaces, but I've found that doing comedy is a good escape for that.   Ironically, I am considered a dead ringer for one of the biggest bullies out there- Ann Coulter.  My various video jabs at the conservative cougar have brought accolades and condemnation from both sides of the political aisle.  Sometimes it's pretty vicious and obscene.   It's very clear that those cyber bullies really need to get a life which is what I tell them right before they are blocked forever from my YouTube channel.  If only it was that easy in real life.   

As far as dealing with bullies goes, you get better at handling it as you get older, but there are times when those mean girls or guys can make you feel as small as that little girl with the broken thermos.   You can either go back there and believe all those bad things about yourself, or move forward, learn to laugh and feel some compassion for those bullies.   Lisa didn't have a great home life, felt ashamed and took that anger out on me.  After the Mrs. Wiggins episode, she bullied me less and less until it stopped - she just wasn't that scary anymore.   

The cyber bullies don't have a real way of communicating with real people so they grind their angst anonymously on any internet venue they can.   The mean folks confuse passivity for weakness which is a mistake because sometimes you just have to pick your fights.  The quiet ones can strike out with terrific and focused strength when they are pushed too far.   My tongue can be a real dagger when it needs to defend me - when the nice Kelley has to be protected by the sardonic Kelley.  It's not something I like to use very often, but it's nice to know that I have it in me when it's needed.  

For me, laughter is the best medicine and comedy is my drug of choice.  It helps me keep a stiff upper lip and gives me the courage to stick my butt out.  After all, I've got pencils to sharpen.