Age Appropriate

I have to say I recently felt a little sorry for Madonna.  Here she is – the epitome of sex from the 1990’s and still trying to rock it at 56 – wearing hot pants, black thigh high boots, a tank and serenading Drake.  At the end of the song, she leans over and lays a passionate kiss on him.  At first it seemed appreciated and then it became a something out of a Pepe Le Pew cartoon – Drake trying to get away and Madonna oblivious to his resistance.  Then, the look on his face and immediate need to wipe it off his mouth made it seem all that more unseemly – a woman hitting on a man half her age and him definitely not digging it.

I like everyone else, wanted to poke fun at it.  Madonna’s ego – had been taken down a few notches because she stepped over the line of sexy into ridiculous.  But then I began to wonder at the tender age of 52 if trying to be sexy in your fifties was crossing a line.   Of course – it’s important to know when to flaunt it – and hitting on a guy who’s young enough to be your son was probably not the way to go about it even if you were the ultimate sex goddess in 1993. 

It’s a tough road from your 30’s into your 40’s into the 50’s and beyond –

particularly if you’re a woman.  I really feel for female celebrities hitting those milestones and having to compete against their younger selves thanks to YouTube and Netflix.   Now the movies you made 20 or even 30 years ago are a reminder of how things used to be – when you were forever young– free from the worries of Botox and the necessity of a nip and tuck.  The worship of youth has always been there – but the availability of plastic surgery and the practitioners who claim to be able to fix all your problems is way too alluring to those that make their living with their appearance and sadly those physicians don’t always deliver the desired results.  It’s not like a haircut – a botched face lift will not grow back.  It will require more surgeries to fix and with each one – new news stories on someone leaving the back end of a cosmetic surgery center trying to be unrecognizable – and sadly they are.  Those parts of their face that made them interesting and unique have now been replaced by a face that is shiny and immovable.

Of course, men rarely have to do those things to mask their age.  George Clooney can look as rough-hewn as he wants.  But if Jamie Lee Curtis decides not to color her hair – she gets flack for giving up and looking old rather than being celebrated for her authentic self and forgoing hair dye and plastic surgery.  It’s a very confusing message.

So why do we have such a hard time allowing a woman to grow old naturally and at the same time we condemn a woman who wants to celebrate the fact that she’s still a sexual being well into her 50’s?  “The Most Interesting Man in the World” is in his late 60’s and has young women around him – in awe and laughing at his jokes.   He has charm, wit and money – that apparently transcends the fact that he’s old enough to be their father.   He is even a little over weight but his worldliness overcomes that as well.  Now, put a woman in her 60’s surrounded by young men and either it’s creepy or more like Mae West where the tongue was firmly in the cheek.  The message is clearly an older woman could never really attract this much attention from young men in real life.

In the films of the 1950’s and 60’s – a fifty year old woman was regulated to being a grandmother and probably was one – since she more than likely started having children in her early 20’s and then her daughter would follow suit.  At 40 back then – the best you could hope for was being handsome – sort of like Lucille Ball and definitely not sexual.  A woman in her sixties would probably be like Barbara Stanwick but at that point – her face would became softly fused with a filter so her features would be slightly out focus – a silly way to mask her age because it only made it that much more glaring.

But even a woman’s weight at any age is not off limits.  Look at someone like Pink or Kelly Clarkson – who are not anywhere near their 40’s or 50’s but God forbid they gain a little weight doing something as prized as being a mother.  The expectation is that if they don’t immediately get rid of their postpartum Lbs. – they are excoriated on social media as being too fat.   Luckily they both have the wisdom and strength of character to take their attackers to task and being proud of their bodies. 

But for those of us that grew up during the Twiggy years – the unrealistic

expectation of weight and beauty has become ingrained.  The curves of the 1950’s gave way to the boyish waif look which was impossible for 99% of young women to pull off naturally.  It touched me so much that when I was in middle school – I developed an eating disorder and tried to keep my calories to fewer than 400 a day.  I was 5’3” and about 90 pounds.  I kept fixating on my thighs and how big they looked to me compared to the rest of my body.   My chest looked bony and my shoulder bones were poking out of my shoulders but still in my mind I was too fat.  It finally took my sister to point out that I was too thin before I snapped out of this self- induced haze of body hating to see the truth – I was radically too thin.  I put on a few pounds to look healthier – but my weight for most of my life has been a slippery slope.

I guess pregnancy can put that all into perspective because having a big belly that was full of my future progeny was a wonderful and blessed thing.  I even got a pretty nice set of boobs!  For the first time in my life I had crossed over the A-cup line and was spilling out of a B-cup.  My husband Max got the fringe benefits.  I knew that he loved me for better or worse but having an awesome set of knockers was definitely the better.   Once the babies were here and I was breast feeding they got even bigger – I was easily a 38C cup and curvy like Marilyn Monroe to the point that even the gay stage manager at the theatre where I was working at was checking me out. 

It took me 20 years to finally get it but it turns out men aren’t necessarily turned on by waif like bodies – they want something they can hold onto.  So I’m okay with not weighing 105 pounds– but I’ve always gotten a certain amount of attention because of my looks.  At the point that I was at the end of my pregnancies, I rather enjoyed it because I got attention for being the pregnant lady and not necessarily being the pretty lady (although people were quick to assure me that I was still beautiful even as I waddled up to thank them). 

But now that I am hitting my 50's, I know that the days of being able to rock

a pair of white shorts and a short sleeve button down shirt tied to my waist with a pair of sneakers are well behind me.  Unlike Madonna, I have not made my bread and butter on the fact that I used to wear a corset and belt buckle that said “Boy Toy.”  I never had my father preach that I needed to be “Like a Virgin.”  For the bulk of my career, I’ve had to look professional and not provocative. 

But I still feel for Madonna who is not ready to lose her sexy but has to tread a fine line between edgy and creepy.   Being confident is sexy but being arrogant can add years – so maybe a little humility can go a long way to make you seem younger.   There’s definitely a glow about women who feel good about themselves at any age.  Even entertainers who have had the media focus on mostly their good looks vs. their talent have had to make that transition into their 50’s and self-confidence can go a long way to achieve that. 

I also think having a sense of humor about yourself is important in keeping your sexy up and your angst of aging down. My husband Max recently showed me a sketch Amy Shumer recently did on her show about aging in Hollywood with Julia Louise Dreyfus, Tina Fey and Patricia Arquette. It’s a hilarious reflection on the double standard of a woman’s sexuality in tinsel town as the group celebrates Julia’s last f**kable day – the last day that a female movie star is can screw realistically on screen.  Click here to view the sketch.  I was laughing pretty hard and Max mentioned that in his eyes they were all still very f**ckable.  It’s nice to have a husband who appreciates beauty at any age.  

Most people would tell you that Sandra Bullock is downright hot and she does it effortlessly which is the key to her allure.   My guess is if she, Mary Louise Parker and Laura Dern could give some advice it’s that you don’t need to work so hard to be hot – just let it happen and people will still notice you.  For God’s sake – don’t buy into having to get so much work done that people can’t take you seriously anymore.  Meryl Streep is Meryl Streep and she has the street cred to do just about anything –but  she doesn’t need to look younger to get roles.  Granted there are less and less roles for 60 year old women, but people will watch her perform because they believe who she is – her face is still as amazing as it was when she started back the 1980’s – it’s just older as it should be.  Max recently commented that he would nail Helen Mirren in a New York minute which was reassuring but made me think I need to be in the room when he’s around other women over 50.  

Betty White is a beautiful woman in her 90’s who can tell you that being relevant is key but not so over the top that you look like you merely want attention.  The night she hosted Saturday Night Live was the highest ratings that show had gotten in 18 months – she was great because she has the show business savvy to know how to play to her audiences – both old and new.  When she was on the SNL 40^th Anniversary – she locked lips with Bradley Cooper and he didn’t try to wipe it off – probably because it was rehearsed and he was in on it.  Just about every woman watching would have loved to have switched places with her – and she pulled it off with just the right amount of tongue in cheek – acknowledging that she still had it.   

Which brings me back to Madonna – and my own struggle to reconcile the fact that I’m getting older and not the fresh young thing I once was.  Interestingly enough, I actually I agree with one statement she recently made: "I don't understand. I'm trying to get my head around it. Because women, generally, when they reach a certain age, have accepted that they're not allowed to behave a certain way. But I don't follow the rules. I never did, and I'm not going to start."  So maybe we need to ease up on her and see where her blazing trail takes her. 

I’m way past the shelf life of most improv performers – and yet I still go out there and perform because I love it and I’m okay with making fun of my age.  Hell, I even poked fun at Madonna in a recent show in her get up in which I felt sexy and just a bit ridiculous at the same time.  Maybe the road most of us need to go down is confident in our own skins and not worry about what the world thinks.  I need to not hold myself to unrealistic standards as I have in the past and accept the fact that you can get older and still be sexy and interesting.  And if you happen to be out in public and a younger guy checks you out – smile back.  You never know - maybe you just made HIS day!

Negative Body Image

Now that summer is almost over and the bathing suits can go back in hiding for another year, I'm always amazed at the fact that even though I workout six times a week for an hour or more, I just can't feel comfortable wearing a bikini in public.   There was even some silly poll last year that said that women over the age of 48 should NEVER wear a bikini in public.   Really?  So Cindy Crawford should just pack it up in the sexy department in two years because she's over the hill.   The media of course plays a huge part in how women feel about themselves.   We see photoshopped images of women with perfect skin splashing around with ridiculous measurements like 36-24-34 and somehow the rest of the female population who are not supermodel mutants are supposed to compete.   For the record, maybe 1% of the US female population meets those standards and a recent story by ABC News noted that the supermodels of the 1980's like Cindy Crawford and Christie Brinkley would probably be considered plus sized models.   In the 80's models were just 8% smaller than the average women - now they are 23% less.   So as women get larger, supermodels get thinner.  It's a dangerous message that our daughters are getting about what is healthy and what is emaciated. 

I grew up in the 1960's and 70's when Twiggy was one of the biggest models in the world.  The waif look was in - short hair, big eyes and over the top skinny in large dresses.   It was an impossible body image that ushered more insecurity about your body - especially for a kid like me that was chunky in elementary and part way through Jr. High.   I used to come home from school everyday and if my mother was substitute teaching and my dad was out of town in a business trip - I would scarf down a big bowl of ice cream while no one was around.  Food and especially chocolate was my escape.   I was terribly out of shape and it showed in recess and PE.   I couldn't run worth a damn and I was always picked last when it came time for the athletic kids to pick teams.   For the record, I really hate that practice - being judged by the thinner and more buff kids and being that one person that was going to lose the game if they let me play for any amount of time.   When I was a substitute teacher in PE, I would have the kids count off and then the even numbered kids would go on one team and the odd numbered kids would go on the other team.  No one got the make anyone feel like they were not worthy to play.   The popular jock kids got really pissed at me for doing that - but I could tell the less popular kids were happy to not go through that humiliating ritual.   The great thing about Facebook is that now I can see that those super competitive jock types have gotten fat and out of shape and I'm stilling running and dancing.  So kids - life does go on after high school and irony can be your friend.  

Once I hit junior high, I started to be more obsessive about my weight.  You had a very thin Brooke Shields tell you that nothing came between her and her Calvins (which I guess meant she was not wearing any underwear - yuck!)  Now, I was not a full blown anorexic.  I didn't use laxatives or toss my cookies after each meal - but I was very, very conscious of calories - for instance a small banana is 100 calories, an oreo cookie is 52, etc.  I figured if I took in between 500 to 700 calories but exercised for an hour or more - there was no way I could gain weight and I would probably lose it.   I went to the bathroom immediately after eating dinner and I weighed myself constantly.   I had a very bony chest which looked worse after I lost weight.   In the ninth grade, I was 5'3" and just 93 pounds - I was not looking very healthy and you could see the bones popping through my shoulders.   Still, I would stand in front of the mirror and do a scathing review of my body and if I could pinch flesh anywhere - then I was just too fat.   Many people wonder how anorexic girls who look like people who just walked out of concentration camps can still think they are still fat, but your perception gets so warped that all you can see are the flaws and the bones sticking out just don't look that bad.   Finally, my older sister sat me down and told me how unhealthy I looked and it was like I could finally see how thin I really was.   I looked terrible - thin and pale.  Probably, the hardest thing about being an anorexic is realizing that you can control very few things in your life but what you put in your body and how you exercise.   For control freaks like me (I generally am more controlling about my personal body issues) giving up a rigorous physical schedule and a very controlled diet was probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do - but it saved my life.   

In college, I did relapse a bit.  I was on my own, dealing with the stress of college and having to plan my own meals and exercising.  I lost some of the weight I had gained in high school while working part-time and taking my SATs.   I got so obsessed with my weight at that point that I would donate blood just to lose a pound in a few minutes.   Now, I know that once I drank a big glass of water, the fluid that I just lost through a tube in my arm would be back as far as the scale was concerned.  That didn't matter - for that moment in time - I was a pound lighter without having to sweat it off.   After realizing that giving blood to lose weight was putting me back in harm's way, I got counseling in college and it helped me get my body image and weight back on track.  In fact, I would see another girl on my way to class that looked like a walking bag of bones and think - "Good God, that could have been me."   

So why are we so obsessed with thin women in our culture when our obesity rate has skyrocketed since the 1980's?    The bigger women become, the thinner models become.  In the 1980's the average model wore a size 6 which does not sound ridiculously petite, but now most models are between size 0 and size 4 (you're actually a heifer if you're close to a size 4) and half of all American woman are size 14 or higher.   Now, the anorexic side I get - you see impossibly thin models and you try to become one but could that impossible body image also be making us fatter?   According to one SizeUSA study, seeing ultra thin models and celebrities is pushing girls and women to binge behaviors that might actually cause weight gain and not weight loss.   While those models might be 5'10" and weight between 110 and 120 pounds, the advertisers and fashion editors are asking their graphic artists to make the skin smoother, the thighs thinner and the waists smaller so that the image you see is not even what that ultra thin woman looks like.  We're trying to live up to an image that doesn't really exist.   The use of photoshopping has even gotten some magazines in trouble - take a look at this cover with Faith Hill before and after photoshopping.   She's a beautiful woman to begin with - why make her more than she is?  But the need to take out the dark circles, thin down the already slender arms and the skin near the back was just too much and we have a Faith Hill that just doesn't exist beyond the magazine cover. 

Men are not under the same pressure to look the same uniformly.  You can have the cast of Ocean's 13 who have a wide range of looks and  most women would agree that they all are hot.  Johnny Depp could gain 20 pounds just because he wanted to and not for a part and still be hired - no so for Scarlett Johannson.  It's such a maddening double standard!  The most iconic sex symbol of all time - Marilyn Monroe at size 10 probably could not even get a reading for a movie about blonds in the 1950's because she would be considered too fat.   Ironically, back then with all the processed foods and "TV Dinners" folks were still thinner then we are right now.   For all it's sexism, body wise, women still better off in the 50's then they are now.  

One positive trend has been the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty which uses women of all sizes and complexions to sell their products to other women.  It's a refreshing piece of advertising that was started in 2004 to show women of all ages and sizes that there are many ways to be beautiful and not just the way that Victoria's Secret sees it.   I love their soaps and body wash and feel like my daughter and I can look at their ads and not flinch in comparison because like the women in these ads, we are not supermodels but we need to be proud and strong in our own skins.  

And so, while the end of summer is still just a few weeks away, will I finally put on a bikini rather than a tankini and be brave enough to walk out the door?   I've gotten over the fact that I'm not 25 anymore and those days of being super thin are over - thank God because I was never really happy that way.  I guess working at a charity that helps adults with developmental disabilities puts things in perspective.  Worrying about your looks especially when you are around folks with whom just walking a few feet takes a massive amount of effort - seems so damn shallow.  I have a body that works and does what I want it to do - that's a blessing.  Is it a perfect 10?  Hell no, but I am thankful for what I have and at 49 I think I look pretty good.    So the next time we go swimming - I'm actually going to wear a bikini.  I'll try not to feel self conscious because in the end it's more important to feel good then to look good and that realization is just marvelous.   

What Really is Stupid?

stupid (adjective) - not carefully considered or sensible - marked by or resulting from unreasoned thinking or acting.  

I hate being considered stupid because I'm blond.  That prejudice makes me feel self conscious when I'm trying to do something like talk to auto mechanics who see me coming and instantly start to hear the cha-ching of a cash register.  They're pretty sure that I'll accept anything they say without question because blonds are not supposed to be very bright.  So when they come back with a diagnosis that my car has a broken "flux capacitor" and it will take thousands of dollars to fix it, they figure that I'll take out a credit card and gladly hand it to them, no questions asked.   Unfortunately for them, I happen to be a big fan of the "Back to the Future" movies, so unless they plan on installing one so I can go forward or backward in time, I'll get a second opinion.  

Being blond does not have the perks you might think it would.  They are so many stereotypes of the "dumb blond" in the media dating back to the 1930's (think Jean Harlow), to the 1950's (Jayne Mansfield and Marilyn Monroe) to the 1960's (Goldie Hawn) to the 1970's (Chrissy on Three's Company).  Unfortunately, people like Paris Hilton seem to make the case that your brains wash out with the bleach.  It creates some real pressure not to say or do anything that would be considered stupid and if, God forbid, that you make a mistake because you're blond, then it confirms the idea you are naturally not as smart as the non-blonds.   I've actually had people talk slower to me than a brunette in the same room because they believe that bubble headed mentality. Being the only blond in a workplace of women can be toxic - because if your colleagues buy into that stereotype - they can make you feel like the weak sister no matter how many projects you complete on time, how many awards you win or sales you complete.  It feels like any mistake you make is magnified because being blond automatically implies that you are stupider then anyone else in the office.  You know you're intelligent and yet the constant condescension can really wear you down. 

But I think the stigma of stupid can have far reaching consequences even at an early age.  For girls, whether they are blond or not, the issue of intelligence can be a tough balance in our society.   Before the age of 10, studies have shown that young girls are more likely to raise their hands or participate in class because they have a certainty of the knowledge they possess.  As they get older, they are afraid of being seen as a nerd or worse - smarter than a boy they like, so they dumb themselves down and pretend to know less than they do.   They act dumb to get the guy and let's face it - that's just plain stupid.  For instance, in Mean Girls, Lindsay Lohan's character, Cady went from a smart geek girl to one of the plastics just to get a guy.  She even pretends to fail a math class so that the guy who was tutoring her would not find out that she could have easily aced all her tests.   In Legally Blond, Reese Witherspoon as Elle Woods starts out as dumb blond who has no idea about her potential and then solves a murder case that would have been impossible for her fashion and hair phobic counterparts to figure out.  Turns out that being style savvy worked in her favor but it took a long time for her colleagues to take her seriously - they were blinded by her good looks, blond hair and hourglass figure.   

When I performed with the improv group Mental Floss, I did a character named Fluffy La Puff.  She was a stereotypical dumb blond with a Marilyn Monroe/Swedish accent.   She would say suggestive things like "I don't know you, but I know I want to love  you!" and "Let's play the Teddy Bear game, I'll wear the Teddy and you can be the bear!"   She wore a tight short blue dress with white pumps, had big boobs (rolled stockings can give you the illusion of serious TaTas.) and a platinum wig.   My reason for doing her was to lampoon the screen goddesses who had made a living playing dumb.   I wanted men to see how boring that sort of woman would be and for women, that they would never be taken seriously if you acted like a bimbo.   So after I did her, I expected the guys to make fun of her, but instead I had a few men come up to me after the show and tell me that Fluffy was their favorite character because she was hot and dumb.   "Real women are too complicated - with Fluffy - what you see is what you get," a middle aged man said wistfully.    I would have hated for him to take Fluffy home only to find out that her two biggest assets were some strategically placed panty hose stuffed into a D cup bra.  I should have expected that from a few sexually frustrated men, but surely the women in the audience got what I was doing.   "Where did you get those white pumps?   They are totally sexy," asked a young college girl.   "Wait, didn't you get the point about Fluffy?" I asked.  "Sure," her friend said, "White pumps make your legs look long, tan and you can wear them with anything."  Sigh. 

I think the biggest problem with the word stupid is how it's used.    Many times it's an insult meant to demean.   Those who use it often don't want to learn more about the person they are labeling.  It's easier to dismiss an idea or person as stupid rather than looking further.   Albert Einstein was once thought of as stupid by the headmasters of his school because he was curious and asked more questions then the other children.   He questioned and didn't accept the status quo.  He was great at physics but struggled in other subjects  --  even math which he freely admitted to.   He understood that making mistakes was a way to grow and that it didn't mean you were dumb - it just taught you how to think critically and learn.   One of my favorite Einstein quotes is:  "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."  I once worked for a man who was petrified of making mistakes and hated when anyone on his staff did.  If he caught it - he'd totally blow it out of proportion and made you feel totally incompetent.   While I understand the "failure is not an option" mentality - sometimes you need to fail to learn how to succeed.  Fearing mistakes leads to stagnation and keeps you at a putrefying level of mediocrity. 

For me, the definition of stupid is having the knowledge to do or prevent something but choosing not to.   For instance, people who text and drive are really, really stupid.  You'd have to live under a rock to not know how dangerous and illegal it is.    Probably the best thing I've learned from the assumption that I'm a dumb blond is that you can't judge people based on how they look, what they wear, what country they come from, their religion or any of the other silly things we want to base our preconceptions on.  I try to get to know people instead of assigning a convenient label - it's just a smart thing to do.   As anyone whose ever worked with me can tell you, it's really a bad idea to underestimate me - in fact it's downright stupid.