Strange Vibrations

I was in Walmart last week when the overriding feeling of being surrounded by zombies overtook me.  I walked over to my son Daniel and half-way joked that we were surrounded by "Walkers" (a term they use for the Undead on The Walking Dead).    He laughed nervously but I could tell he knew the energy in the space was off — way, way off.  The back of my head started to tighten up and I was having a hard time being able to focus.   We had gotten some gift certificates to Walmart for Christmas and decided to use them even though I rarely shop there because I get a weird head buzz (not in a good way) almost every time I go.  Some Walmarts are better than others, but the one near us is really hard for me to shop in.  I decided not to say anything more until both of the kids begged to go because they were feeling dizzy and uncomfortable.   We gathered up what we could buy that day and walked to the register - walking past people with blank expressions on their faces, glazed looks in their eyes and not really looking like they were enjoying their shopping excursion.  Our cashier looked miserable and our discomfort got worse, but we were so close to finally being out of there.    We fled the glaring fluorescent lights and managed to exit to our car as sunshine dissipated our angst.   Both of the kids asked me how I was doing and I responded "Fine, now that we're out of there - but next time we go on-line to shop at Walmart."   

We drove to the peaceful repose of Target where we grabbed a quick bite and some Starbucks and finished the list of items we thought we could buy at Walmart.   I've always liked the vibe at Target - the icies and popcorn to keep the kids happy while you shop.  There are smiling salespeople who look like they enjoy working there.  It feels like home - it should because I'm usually there at least once or twice a week.  It's comfortable.  It's the retail version of "Cheers" - they might not know my name - but the folks at the food court usually remember my order.  It's that sort of positive energy that I'm drawn to.   This is not a knock at the people who work or shop at Walmart per say, but just an observation of how I perceive the energy at Target as being positive versus the energy of Walmart being negative.  Target is a physically and emotionally more comfortable place for me to shop.   Now my kids have started to pick up on that same kind of Walmart energy with very little prompting from me except for an occasional snarky zombie comment.  

It can be tough to be sensitive in a rather insensitive world where you can leave anonymous insults on Twitter or YouTube or create fake Facebook accounts to trash a perceived enemy.  People are not always receptive to the needs of others which creates angst which causes more anger which causes more angst so it becomes a vicious cycle.  If you can pick up on those types emotions like me, it effects you on numerous levels.  If I walk into a room and the energy is off - I'll feel it no matter how much of a happy face someone tries to put on.  I know if a co-worker is having a bad time even before she opens up to me because I can just sense it.  Sometimes I can feel their physical discomfort - like a stomach cramp or a fight they just had with a spouse and how tight their chest feels.  I've learned over time how to seal off my aura so that other people's emotional turmoil doesn't imprint on me.   It's sort of like a psychic raincoat - I can still feel the rain, it just doesn't get me as wet.  

I guess that's why I've never been a fan of certain kinds of horror movies - like the ones that show serial killers or evil entities that destroy people.  Sure the vicarious thrill of seeing other people suffer at the hands of Jason, Jigsaw or The Grudge is scary fun when you know that you are safe in a movie theater but being in a place where that much fear is conjured up for sheer entertainment just makes me uncomfortable.   I'm more likely to see The Walking Dead or The Lost Boys which show how people manage to survive and depend on one another.  It's the triumph of the human spirit that really appeals to me in those shows or movies. 

So it's natural that I've always been drawn to comedy.   I've loved sit-coms since I was a little girl who would watch I Dream of Jennie or Bewitched, or I Love Lucy over and over again.   If I woke up with a bad dream, before I would go into my parent's bed, I would try to think of a funny sketch I saw on The Carol Burnett Show. I'd think of Nora Desmond, or the dentist sketch with Tim Conway and Harvey Korman which would make me laugh under the covers and would dry my tears.  It would reassure me that everything was alright - in fact I used to pretend that Carol was my second mommy.   Laughter always sent the bad things away.  

It's interesting that I learned that approach at an early age since there are tons of research that back up the fact that being positive and having a sense of humor helps you feel healthier, helps you combat disease and improves work productivity.  According to an article in the British publication The Independent by Roger Dobson in 2008, "Happiness and laughter have been shown to increase natural killer cell activity in blood and free radical-scavenging capacity in saliva, as well as lowering levels of the stress hormone cortisol. It is also thought that laughter causes the release of special neurotransmitter substances in the brain, endorphins, that help control pain. And there are more direct physical effects of laughter, including increased breathing, more oxygen use, and higher heart rate."  He goes on to report that according to the Oxford University Press medical journal, Rheumatology, an additional study showed that blood levels of key inflammatory compounds dropped considerably after patients with rheumatoid arthritis watched a humorous film.   

Laughter can change the whole feel of a room.  It can literally lighten the air and make just about anyone feel better.  Yet, there are those that know that people are more vulnerable to negative energy.  If they can keep them in a state of constant agitation they can exploit them easier.   According to a study by UCLA Chicano Studies Research Center  entitled “Using Biological Markers To Measure Stress In Listeners Of Commercial Talk Radio,” hate speech increases the amount of a stress-related hormone, salivary cortisol, which has the potential for negative health implications including the development of cancer and other inflammatory diseases. The research indicated that listeners of a radio segment with high prevalence of hate speech, experienced clinical anxiety and in turn had higher levels of the stress hormone, regardless of their race, ethnicity, ideological alignment with the speaker, or their level of previous knowledge on the topic.  You have to wonder if all the health problems that Rush Limbaugh has been experiencing over the years are products of the negative ideology that he has been spewing for decades - the man is a former prescription drug abuser, has a heart condition and yet lives in denial by still being overweight, smoking and drinking wine.   I honestly can't listen to more than five minutes of his show without feeling my own blood pressure increasing.  But even people who share the same ideology are going to feel upset by agreeing with all the terrible things he's saying.   It's a lose/lose situation for everyone but Rush who makes $64 million a year peddling his form of demagoguery.  

There is a darker spiritual side to constantly imbibing negative ideas and the energy that it produces - it can actually form a poltergeist.   Unlike what the movies would have you believe, poltergeists are actually created by negative energy, anger and stress brought on by living people.   It can manifest by causing all sorts of problems from making noises, to moving things to even attacking people.   I was going through a really tough time at work about two years ago along with my mother going into assisted living and my siblings at each other's throats.  The stress was taking it's toll.  I was constantly upset and angry - going to work was extraordinarily emotionally draining and hearing about the family squabbling didn't help.  It really could have consumed me if I let it.  Worse, those feelings could have created something I couldn't control because I was feeling so depressed and angry.  Luckily, I have a supportive husband and found a book called Healing with Angels by Dr. Doreen Virtue which helped put things in perspective.   I began to snap out of my funk and even when I was eventually let go from my job, I was emotionally strong enough to handle it.  On my last day in my cubicle, I stayed back while the rest of the staff went to a Christmas Tree lighting.  I used a few prayers in Healing with Angels to cleanse my work space of all the negative energy that might have accrued there because I didn't want it to affect the person who would eventually be at my desk.   As best as I could, I released it and tried to forgive those that needed to be forgiven more for my peace of mind then for theirs.  

Having the comedy troupe helped me forge through that difficult period because creating shows that made people laugh helped me and I knew it helped the audience.  When we used to do our comedy web-shows at a local coffee shop, folks would walk in not really knowing what we were doing.  Once they caught on, they would stay and enjoy, laughing with us and at us.  Sometimes they would come up and say that they were having a horrible day but being there with us completely turned it around.  I always love getting that feedback because while it's great to hear that we're funny and talented - hearing that we helped lighten their mood means way more.   We'd hear from isolated teens in the chatroom that our show was cool because they could make suggestions for scenes.  We would perform them without judgement because that's not what the show was about - we just accepted our audience for who they were not because we wanted them to think like us.  We were not there to push anything more than a very silly agenda - and being a part of the show helped people feel better.  

It's ironic that when the Taliban took over Afghanistan, one of the first things they banned was laughing in public - because if you can spread anger and misery, you can control people.  If you are happy and laughing you are more likely to think clearly and objectively which is something that ideologues don't want you to do.  If you are angry they can control you because misery loves company.   It makes you wonder how Bill O'Reilly's studio must feel most of the time or Rush Limbaugh's or Mike Malloy's radio booth.   They might not believe in poltergeists because - they are making money spreading their angst about anyone who does not think like them and that probably makes them happy.  But what about the people who believe in what they say hook, line and sinker.  What about those that believe the only credible sources of information are FOX News or talk radio?   The ones who believe that the president wants to take away all their freedoms and they are victims of a "liberal" or "conservative" agenda.  They are the folks I truly feel bad for because most of the time they must sit around with like minded folks feeling a false sense of oppression that is self imposed.   Their anger is high, so is their blood pressure and the myriad of health problems it causes.   I feel bad that those folks feel so bad.  

I'd like to propose an experiment to those that are hooked on their afternoons with Rush and Mike Malloy and their evenings with The O'Reilly Factor or Rachel Maddows - try just not tuning in for a week and see how you feel.   Is your sense of outrage less?  Is the vibe in the room different because you choose to watch The Big Bang Theory or The Middle rather than the usual talking heads?   Life can be full of laughter if you just take 15 to 30 minutes a day to find it.  Laughing for half an hour will improve your health and your psyche.  Maybe the fine folks at Walmart need to learn that and pipe comedy albums over the sound system instead of soft rock.  I might also suggest cutting back on the fluorescents and making it a fun place to work for your staff.  Maybe if those changes are made, I might consider going back sometime.   In the meantime, I'll find my happy place at Target. 

Laughing at Bullies - Part 2

The first subject that I ever posted on this blog was about bullying.   Specifically, my bully Lisa when I was 11 who used to harass, belittle and punch me every chance she got.  Even after I had lost weight, got taller than her and was an honor student,  in her eyes, I was still stupid and fat.   One of my last run-ins with her included a pretty good impression of Carol Burnett's Ms. Wiggins which had the element of surprise since Lisa assumed I would start to panic and cry.   When I used the power of comedy to deflect her barbs, eventually she lost her power over me and faded away like so many other unpleasant childhood memories that if they don't kill you - they make you stronger.   But  now as a mother of two kids who have been and still are victims of bullying, the stakes are higher and the ways means that bullies have at their fingers go way behind the school yard.   They have Facebook, Twitter,  YouTube, and a host of other internet resources to humiliate their prey even if they are miles away.  Even worse, there are so many misguided role models on TV who bully in the name of being "honest" that somehow you are supposed to give them a pass - but this brutal honesty is nothing more than one person trying to have emotional dominance over another person - or a bully. 

I honestly think the cyber world got meaner once Simon Cowell arrived on American Idol and he was able to justify his behavior as judge as someone who is just trying to save those singers that he deems unworthy from following a path that will lead to disappointment.   Somehow,  his brutality is saving them from themselves.   I've never been able to watch American Idol or it's new counterpart, X Factor for very long because criticizing people as he does goes against how I feel you should treat someone.  I've been producing and directing comedy improv since the early 90's and if I've learned anything it's that everyone - if they have the desire - can improve their skill set.  It might not lead to fame and fortune, but practice can make better.  I would never tell anyone who auditioned for me that they just don't have it, never will and to just give up.  Trust me, I've seen some really bad improvisors in the 25 years that I've been doing this.   I would not tell them to "hang it up" but I have suggested that they take additional workshops to hone their skills and that I would be more than happy to see them back auditioning next year.  This way I've given them constructive criticism and offered them a goal to work for.  I haven't destroyed them and whose to say the might not came back next year and blow my socks off?   You can't just dismiss someone because they might not be at the place they need to be at that point time but there's nothing to say that they not might get there.   Sometimes you have to take a few steps back to take a giant step forward. 

I guess I'm sensitive to that kind of bullying because when I was in my 20's I actually had three guys in an improv troupe in Miami tell me that I was no good.  They decided to kick me out after I had been in  the group for three years and had developed my own fan base.   What hurt more was that I thought that other people in the group, including my boyfriend would stand up for me.  But alas, they sat silently as I was berated because they didn't have the balls to stand-up to the snarky triad.   I was put on "inactive" and expected to help the group without performing.  I put up with it for a while and then developed a backbone, said "To Hell with it" and started my own comedy group.  In a weird way, I'm grateful to those three bullies because I would have stuck around being treated like crap and never feeling completely valued because those douche bags tried to make me feel like I was unworthy.   But not everyone has that resilience and cruel words can leave wounds that will never heal.  I have to wonder how being told that you are a horrible singer on national TV will scar your psyche. Those people leave with hope and end up shattered all in the name of reality TV.   

My kids love the show Glee which has had a parade of bullies over the last four seasons.   Sue Sylvester started off as this very outspoken, musical hating cheerleader coach who would do anything to stop the glee club.   Her evil was was always stopped with innocent optimism that the world is a place that can always be made better by the sound of music.  She had a vulnerable side too when you found out that had a sister with Down's syndrome that she adored.   She even took a young girl named Becky who also had Down's under her wing to be part of the Cheerio squad because she knew what her sister when through with bullies.   Her jibes were funny because most of them were directed at people who could stand up to her or she got her come uppence by the end of the episode.   Kurt, an openly gay glee high school student was constantly menaced by a closeted football player named Dave Karofsky.   Kurt finally confronts his bully only to find out that this gay bashing jock is also gay and in a lot of pain.  Unfortunately, Karofsky's bullying escalates and Kurt has to transfer out of his school.   Eventually, people find out about Karofsky's homosexuality and he becomes the victim of vicious bullying to the point that he tries to commit suicide.   His attempted suicide leads to some serious discussion about bullying and I thought those episodes gave kids something to really talk about.   It also helped kids who found themselves being victimized at the hands of bullies for a myriad of reasons whether it was their sexuality or just being different a show to watch and feel accepted.   To me, using theatre and music to combat the ignorance of bullies was one way to help elevate a tough situation.   In the end, good always triumphs over evil even if it takes time. 

This season, Glee has a much darker overtone to it.  All the optimism is gone and the bullies are even talking their victims into eating disorders.   Marley, the new girl on Glee ends up face planting during sectionals and losing it all for the group because she believes Kitty, a mean spirited cheer leader, who tells her that she is getting fat and even alters her costumes to make her think she's getting fatter.  When Marley goes days without any real food, is purging and taking laxatives, she faints during their big number and gets the group disqualified.  Unfortunately, Kitty does not get blamed, only Marley.   Rachel, the glee club former diva, is now in New York and being bullied by a failed Broadway actress who is now her dance teacher.   This bully is older and uses her position as a teacher to belittle Rachel who does fight back but the banter between the two is so mean spirited, it's not even fun to watch.   Rachel's bully reasons that she's not nearly as bad as what she'll face in the real world of show business so she better get used to it.  It feels like the lesson to be learned is that mean is lean and evil will win in the end.   It's getting harder and harder to watch the show each week with both of my kids who get upset about how characters they really like are being treated - probably because they have been victims of bullying themselves. 

Amber has autism and is overweight so she's an easy target for stupid people who feel better by putting someone like her down.  The Marley story has had her very upset because she feels like fat people are being made fun of without anyone really standing up to the impossible standards of thin being set on the show.   A few years ago, they had a young woman named Lauren who was on the show who was obese, but she was so self confident that the hottest guy in school wanted to be her boyfriend.   She could kick-ass, take names and was not about to take crap from anyone about her size.  She was a breathe of fresh air in a world of size 0 to 2s that you usually see on the show.   I wish she was still there to offset the negative comments about weight. 

My son Daniel is smart, sensitive and sweet - a tripled threat to most bullies.  He's been told to line up with the "girls" by one boy at school and was picked on by the other boys in his karate class which is what we ironically put him in so he would learn how to protect himself from bullies.  After finally having enough, Daniel asked his fourth grade teacher if he could talk to the class and then launched into a lecture about the effects of bullying including the fact that it can hurt people so badly that they want to take their own life.   He had printed pictures of children who had killed themselves because the pain of being victimized was just too much.   He told them the story of how Phoebe Prince was bullied by six kids in her high school.   He told the story of Jon Carmicheal who was treated terribly in the locker rooms and put into garbage cans.   He told the story of Carl Walker Hoover, a well mannered boy who was bullied because people mistook his kindness for being gay.   All three of these bright young children were dead by their own hands.  Daniel got these stories from a Nickelodeon Nick News story called Sticks, Stones and Cyberslams (http://www.nick.com/videos/clip/sticks-stones-and-cyberslams-full-episode.html).  It's a great show to start a conversation with your kids and to send the link to school administrators to ask them to use it as a guide to handle bullying.  The response to his lecture was amazing, just about every kid in class admitted to having been bullied and a few even admitted to being a bully.    The teacher was very impressed in the dialog it opened because it as initiated by a student and not a teacher.   After that discussion, he was not bullied for the rest of the year in elementary school.  But now that he's in Middle School, it's a different playing field.  We keep an eye on the situation and have had help from his teachers and school administrators.   We're lucky that they take these things seriously and are not prone to the "kids will be kids" mentality - because that way of dealing with things can be deadly. 

While my way of handling my bully was to deflect her barbs with humor  -  but that was back in the 1970's before the internet, Facebook pages that could be set up to put hateful messages about another person, or setting up fake Twitter accounts and tweeting obscene things about someone you hate.   Bullies are not just confined to the school yard or bus, they can strike and make their vitriol viral pulling in more people to their sick world.   Kids these days can laugh it off for only so long.  They can switch schools but it's hard to leave the cyber world behind.    There are places on the web like the It's Gets Better Project where kids who are facing bullying can get perspective and learn that as much as their life might suck right now, chances are those bullies will be working for them one day.   

On an September episode of X Factor, a young girl named Jillian Jensen auditioned for the show and told how she had been bullied to Demi Lovato, a person who has also been a victim of mean people and has launched a Cyber Anti-Bullying Campaign.  Jillian sang a hurt felt version of It's Okay Not to Be Okay.  (see clip here http://www.wetpaint.com/the-x-factor/video/watch-jillian-jensen-sing-jessie-js-who-you-are-during-x-factor-premiere-on-september-12-2012-video)  The clip shows a girl whose been hurt but who has used that pain to help her art and to help heal.   Demi got up and gave this sweet young lady a hug and told her that their bullies are home and they are on TV.    There is so much truth to that.  I have no idea where my school yard bully Lisa is, probably making other people miserable or maybe she's gotten help.  The three guys who kicked me out of that Miami improv troupe are probably not still doing improv and yet I have an award winning company with people I truly love working with.   Humor helped me cope with my past bullies and has helped me face the bullies I've met in adulthood (I'd like to tell you that bullies end when you leave school, but the good news is that as you get older, you get better at handling it as long as you don't buy into what they are saying).   After  you have the luxury distance, you can look back though your mind's eye at that picket fence of sorry memories and even laugh at how stupid those mean people are.   Those bullies had nothing on me and yet I cry for the kids who didn't know that and gave up too soon.   There will always be bullies, but raising awareness and learning to love yourself is the greatest defense of all.    Stay strong, live long and smile because you'll be stronger than you ever knew you could be.  Every great person of substance has had to overcome adversity or were told they were totally incompetent by those that know only how to inflict harm on someone else.   Sure it sucks, but it pushes you harder to achieve your personal goals because you need to prove them wrong.  Push through the dark times with all your might, because I promise you will find yourself on the other side of that twisted picket fence in a brighter place where it's finally safe to be laughing at bullies.  

Fight for the Right to Part "T"

Being a child of the 1970's, you got to see some really cool TV as a kid.    In addition to The Carol Burnett Show, one of my other favorite comedy shows was Laugh In because it had strong women who created characters that could hold their own with the men.   Dan Rowan and Dick Martin were more than happy to entertain the weird characters that Ruth Buzzy, Joanne Whirley and Lily Tomlin brought to life.   It affirmed for me once again as a nine year old girl who one day wanted to be a funny lady, that if you could dream it and write it, you could be it.   Back then, comedy albums were huge.  I remember listening to Bill Cosby's My Brother Russell with my brother's and sisters until the record literally wore out.    Women were making comedy albums too and one of my favorite Laugh In alumni albums came from Lily Tomlin who played Edith Ann.  Edith Ann was a childlike philosopher whose dry sense of humor really appealed to me.   I loved the way she could size up a situation with a child's perspective (hey, I was a child myself) and get away with all sorts of things with her trusty dog Buster.   Unlike a lot of comedians who would pretend to be kids and make them over the top obnoxious, you could tell that she respected children and the way they looked at the world.   And That's the Truth was another comedy album that also got worn out.  I heard it so many times that I could do most of the routines on the album.   I'd perform some of the bits in school which helped me get over being shy.  The other kids through it was funny.  Edith Ann was always a big hit during recess. 

I also loved the cover of the album one of the things that I thought was the most interesting to me about Lily Tomlin was the way she wrote her name.   I loved that the "T" in her signature, looked like a real T and not like the cursive capital Ts we had to make in grade school.  It was definitive and had no apologies.   It didn't try to be something that it wasn't - it was a simple understandable T dammit!   Everyone could see that.  So right then I decided to make my capital Ts that way when I wrote in cursive.    I would use that T in the words "The" at the beginning of a sentence, or "This" or "That", okay you get the idea.   I'd get marked down on my papers but I didn't care - I wanted to make my Ts like Lily Tomlin - she didn't conform so why did I?  Even though it was the 1970's and the Equal Rights Movement was steaming on ahead - it didn't seem to apply to being pro-writing choice when it came to cursive.  You needed to write the way everyone else did - and that forced conformity really pissed me off as a kid - even though on the outside I was this sweet, shy little girl who just wanted to make other people happy.   

More than that, the cursive chart just never made sense to me.   Looking at it now - few people really write like this and it's hard to understand how people were able to read cursive at all.   I mean really, a cursive Q looks like a backwards 2, the F looks like a T with a stick in it's middle and the J and Z just look like they are trying too hard.  No wonder my left  handed brain just couldn't grasp it - the print letters made more sense even if the Q looks like an O with penis envy.   Of course I had to rebel against this non-sensical way of writing - Lily Tomlin's Ts brought order to a really confusing cursive world.  Unfortunately, my teachers didn't see it that way.  

My parents would notice the marked down papers when I brought them home and would ask me why I didn't write the things the way everyone was supposed to.   I told them because I liked that way and it made it different.   My parents knew when to pick their battles and getting on my case about my handwriting was not worth the effort.   Remember, this was the 70's and the world was changing at a quick pace.   They had three teens in the house - two of which were extremely rebellious at the time, so if letting me have my Ts meant one less argument, then so be it.   I always loved that about my parents - they let their kids be who they were and didn't try to project their own hopes and ambitions on to us - they would just try to guide.   Of course being in the middle of a recession and just trying to keep your head above water also helped keep things in perspective.    Here we are 40 years later and the song remains the same.  

I appreciate that now as a parent whose own kids are rugged individuals.  I love the way they see the world and what they see as right and what they see as injustices.  My son knows what's happening in Syria which is surprising for an 11 year old.  Hell, it wasn't until I started doing international health projects in my 40's that I really had an idea of how countries outside of the US really work.   He has even created his own country Amosan which welcomes of gays, the form of government includes democracy and a constitutional monarchy, there is enough food for everyone and it's main exports are sugar cane, rice and iPhones.   It's a very liberal place which is located in the Indian Ocean and has beautiful beaches.   He's also written a book called Mystery Falls and wants to publish it on Amazon which is actually easy to do.  Amber has a blog on FanFiction.net and writes about cartoon combinations like the Kids Next Door, Total Drama Island, The Regular Show and Stoked and she is the favorite author of quite a few people.   She also loves to draw and would like to be a cartoonist one day.  Many parents would tell their kids not to waste time on things like this - but my feeling is let them be who they are - as long as they are keeping up their grades I'm not going to try to make them into something they aren't. 

I appreciate now particularly as I work with teens who are feeling the pressure to make good grades so that they can qualify for scholarships in college.  Every weekend is filled with extracurricular activities so that they can get into the college of their or their parent's choice.   There is zero down time and the stress is palatable.   I remember putting that same pressure on myself as a teen (actually my parents really didn't push that much).  I was working after school at Publix to save money for college and trying to maintain a 3.8 point grade average.   I was super stressed and would have crying jags once I got home.  I see that same sense of frustration on the faces of some of the kids that I teach Sunday school to - they are tired of school, they are tired of trying to maintain the facade of achievement, they are tired of their parents for not letting them do what they really want to do which is goof off and have fun with their friends for the entire weekend.  They're just tired and that will lead to some serious issues once they get away from Mom and Dad in college or cause some serious burn-out once they get there.   If the kid is pushing themselves hard on their own, I think we need to step in and allow them the chance to Part-T -to allow them to be themselves and not worry about a college application for once - they need the down time.

  

I remember talking to a group of women at work with a very opinionated consultant about how kids are doing on school.   This one woman talked about how they didn't have weekends because every minute was spent taking her sons from football to baseball and doing that even if they were sick because the coaches expected them to play not matter what.   Her kids were exhausted also trying to keep their grades up.   I mentioned that sometimes it's okay to let a child fail because they learn to pick themselves up and how resilient they really are.  This comment incurred gasps from the women in the group.   I also mentioned that Dave Thomas of Wendy's was a C student and that sometimes business leaders who weren't A+ students had an easier time managing people because they can think outside the box.   The consultant mentioned that those kids will not get into Harvard with a C average like she did.   I didn't want to point out to this well heeled young woman that even after getting a four year degree from an Ivy League school - she was in her 30's and still working for her mother.  My God that degree really took her far.   Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard, failed at a business called Traf-O-Data and eventually founded Microsoft.    

We live in a society that is so afraid of failing that it can lead you to muddle in a sea of conformity and mediocrity because being creative and taking chances is risky. But the reality is that you learn when you fail - the failure can drive you to innovate what you've been doing and come up with something better. Colonial Sander's secret recipe was rejected a 1,000 times before he founded KFC.  Before Evan Williams founded Twitter, he had a podcast platform that he had to abandon when iTunes started running podcasts.   Fred Smith received a D for submitting the idea that would eventually become the company that he founded - FedEx.  Walt Disney was fired by an editor because, "he lacked imagination and had no original ideas."  

So as another school year starts, let's take it easy on our kids and allow them to be who they need to be.   My son has grown his hair down to the back of his neck and is wearing it in a pony tail.   Do I worry about him being teased?  Hell, yeah, but he has to figure out how to handle things on his own.  I will tell him that he has to maintain a certain grade point average and that he has to apply himself for sure, but he doesn't have to be a straight A student like I was because that's just not who he is.  I'd rather that he's happy than losing sleep over a middle school science project he got a C on that isn't going to matter in 30 years anyway.   We've got to give our children the right to be who they are - to Part-T because being an individual who is not afraid of failure is the best way to build tomorrow's leaders.  Mark Cuban, the billionaire who sold his company to Yahoo once said, "I've learned that it doesn’t matter how many times you failed. You only have to be right once. I tried to sell powdered milk. I was an idiot lots of times, and I learned from them all.”   So is letting your kids be comfortable in their own skin important?  You bet your sweet bippy it is - and that's the truth!

Funny Girls

When I was a small girl, the Saturday night line-up of comedies on CBS was about the best thing in the whole world.   I got to see smart funny women being smart and funny.   The night would start off with All in the Family with Edith and Gloria getting the best of Archie and Michael (most of time).   Next the Mary Tyler Moore Show came on and our gal Mary Richards worked relentlessly to produce the WGM 6:00 p.m. Newscast with an over bearing boss and an inept anchorman named Ted Baxter.  Then there was The Bob Newhart Show where Bob's brilliant wife Emily tried to keep things in perspective between Bob's crazy friends and even crazier patients.   Sure, M*A*S*H* was in the line-up too, but I never really saw Major Hot Lips Houlihan as much of a role model even after she lost the "Hot Lips" and just became Margaret.  Finally, we had my patron saint of comedy, Carol Burnett.   I would have to beg my mom to let me stay up until 11:00 p.m. to see the entire show.   I got to sit at the altar of funny ladies every Saturday night and in the 1970's - they ruled network TV.   Back then, aspiring to be a funny girl did not seem that outlandish.   It could be feminine, sexy and intelligent.  You did not have to be Lucy and have to outsmart Ricky to get laughs.  You got what you needed on your own terms and if a man wanted to come along for the ride, all the better.   

Maybe it was because in the heyday of the Equal Rights movement, anything seemed possible for girls.  You had women in Congress like Bella Abzug and Shirley Chisholm daring to question Richard Nixon and his administration during Watergate.    You had Margaret Thatcher's rise to power as a women who wore pearls and puffy hair but could easily stare down her male counterparts just as easily as Winston Churchill.   Golda Mier was the Prime Minister of Israel and was first called the Iron Lady before Thatcher got that title.   Then in India, there was Indira Gandhi -- another nation ruled by a very strong woman.  It seemed conceivable that women were making strides everywhere and if you could dream it, you could be it.   I dreamed of making the world a better place through comedy. 

Praying at the CBS altar of those sacred Saturday nights helped form the comic sensibilities I have today.   The stand-up comediennes of the 1960's like Phyllis Diller, Totie Fields and Joan Rivers had to denigrate themselves to get laughs.  Samantha Stevens and Jeannie had to pretend they were less powerful then they were to assuage the insecurities of Darren and Major Nelson. But these new women of the 70's, these comic goddesses could hold their own with their male counterparts and had the strong ratings to show for it.   I loved them as extended members of my family.   I'd wear a bright paisley head scarf to my fifth grade class like Rhoda and pretend my desk was like the one Mary had in the newsroom.   Sometimes I would pretend my bully Lisa was Sue Ann Nivens - the Happy Home Maker - it made Blue Lakes Elementary a more bearable place to learn.  Once I was in Junior High, I'd get to stay up and see a little of Saturday Night Live.  Gilda Radner and Jane Curtain were a revelation.   Never mind that John Belushi once said that women weren't funny - who needed Samurai Deli and the Blue Brothers when you had Roseanna Danna and Candy Slice?  These women were writing and pushing the envelope in a very subversive way and I loved it! 

In the 1980's the trend continued with shows like Kate and Allie, Designing Women, Golden Girls, Roseanne, Murphy Brown, and Grace Under Fire but for some reason they just didn't resonate with me like the my old CBS Saturday nights.    I liked the Designing Women and no one on TV could monologue like Julia Sugarbaker.  Murphy Brown seemed to be strong in a one note kind of way and every now and again you got to see her vulnerable.  I loved Claire Huxtable and her no nonsense way with her husband Cliff and her five kids.  I could identify with being in a large family and not wanting to tell your father that something around the house was broken for fear he would try to fix it.   God bless my dad, but he was not a handy man like Cliff and we would pretend that the dishwasher was working before we could get a repair in while he was out of town, just like Claire. 

But then in the 1990's - things changed.   You a had few stand out sitcoms like Seinfeld in which a character like Elaine was out numbered by three other male players.   I loved Mad About You and identified with Jamie Buckman during the early years of my marriage to Max.  We even got pregnant about the same time.   Ellen was very funny but the networks bulked when she came out.   When was the last time you saw a pair of lesbians on a sit-com like Cam and Mitchell on Modern Family?   I guess the networks were and still are more comfortable with Will being gay than Grace. 

I'd all but given up once the year 2000 hit.   It seemed like the new millennium was not ushering in new comedies with women at the helm.  Sure you had Friends, but no strong females pushing the boundaries.   Just when it looked like another season of sitcoms with men in the leads and women as copilots - Tina Fey came along with 30 Rock and the comedic embers of my youth were rekindled.   She, like Mary Richards, is the head of a motley crew of actors and writers whose egos lead to comedic chaos.  Her boss is a network executive that is way hotter than Mr. Grant.   The writing is intelligent, irreverent and not politically correct.  Liz Lemon faces being forty, unmarried and having that ticking biological clock with a charming mix of goofiness and brains that makes it one of my favorite sitcoms.   In fact, NBC Thursday nights are my new CBS Saturday nights with sitcoms either created by or starring women who are trying find that yoga-like balance between work and family that seems to elude them each week and many of us as well.   

I've written before about how comedy is my drug of choice.    Having an improv troupe and the ability to make very silly videos gives me a positive outlet for my frustrations.    Acting like a crazy lunatic all these years on stage and YouTube has kept me very sane.  My comedic idols taught me that women can show strength through humor and that laughing at yourself is the best medicine of all.   Edith, Gloria, Emily, Mary, Rhoda, Phillis, Carol, Gilda, Jane, Claire, Murphy, Julia, Jamie, Leslie, Ellen and Liz, you have been there for me when my life has been at a tipping point and I needed a compass to find my way.  Your comedy has been that needle to help me find my way out of an emotionally dark jungle of fear and gave me the courage to believe in myself even when other people wanted to write me off.   That gift, my comedy goddesses, is one I'll always treasure and pass down to the next generation.  

What I've learned is that these funny girls can teach our daughters more than the Kardashians or the Real Housewives ever could:  that life is funny, sweet, ridiculous, you don't always look hot and yes, sometimes it's really, really unfair.   Ellen came out of her career tailspin with a great talk show and a burgeoning entertainment empire.   She survived on her own terms much like my favorite sitcom heroines.  Learning to roll with the punches and laughing at ourselves is what life is all about.   Taking yourself too seriously is a sure recipe for a reality Diva meltdown.   What our girls need to see today are women who know how to be strong, smart and funny.   Women who know how to throw their hats up in the air  and smile because they know they are going to make it after all.  

Laughing at Bullies

My bully Lisa stepped out onto the sidewalk just a few doors down from my house.  She had been bullying me since elementary school.  But now at 11,  I was taller and she was nastier.  I never knew what I did to make her want to bully me.  The first time it happened we were both in the first grade and I got a Partridge Family lunch box and apparently she hated the show (okay - in hindsight I understand why).  I had my cherry juice in the matching thermos and she grabbed it and smashed it right on Danny Bonaduce's face.   The red juice spattered everywhere like a bloody scene right out of the movie Scarface.  I told my Mom, but Lisa's family was the one house on the block with the lawn that was never mowed and the dad with the notoriously bad temper - so the whole neighborhood stayed clear.  They were never invited to the Friday night dinner parties.   I tried to avoid her, but she'd pick up my scent and track me down.   I didn't have to track her scent, it was pretty bad and the sight of her made my eyes water.   My stomach became an instant gas chamber. 

She stood there in her popsicle splattered t-shirt.  The juice had run down her arm which was stained red and mixed with a light dusting of dirt, her hair filled with sticks and leaves.  Apparently she had to wrestle that popsicle to the ground to eat it.   I should have taken the long way home, but it was starting to thunder and I needed to get home quickly.   Rain storms come in fast in Miami around 4:00 p.m.   I had about 5 minutes before it would pour.  Lisa wouldn’t budge and was making it a point to tell me how fat and stupid I was, even through I had lost weight and was an honor student.   But each word made me doubt my weight and my intelligence - that's how bullies wear you down. 

I tried to walk around her but she kept getting closer.  Sensing that I might be cold cocked in the stomach once again with her sticky juice stained hand – I decided to try a different tactic.   I put out my butt, started to walk funny and taking my cue from a Carol Burnett sketch, said “Mr. Tudball – I have pencils to sharpen!”  Lisa stepped back and looked at me with eyes as big as golf balls.  "What did you say?" she asked.   "I have pencils to sharpen!!" I replied, sticking my butt our even further.  I heard a boy laughing behind me and turned to see her older brother Michael watching the whole thing unfold.   He was the one nice person in the family who got along with the rest of the kids on the block.  "Carol Burnett - Mrs. Wiggins, I love that sketch."  He then turned to Lisa, "Good God, haven't you ever heard of a napkin? C'mon Mom wants you home before the storm hits."  Lisa turned still looking at me with my butt sticking out.  They both started to laugh and I ran home just as the first drops were beginning to splat. 

Making people laugh has always been a refuge for me whether I was that chunky little girl with the David Cassidy Tiger Beat magazine or the girl in Junior High who had lost a ton of weight over the summer vacation.   Just like a runner who gets that endorphin high after a run or a heroin addict that needs that rush from their next fix, comedy is my drug.  It just makes me happy.   I get a heady feeling and a blast of energy after a show with my partners at the OTC Comedy Troupe.  Whether it's doing improv for an audience of 300 or a show for 10 people in a coffee shop - just bringing laughter into someone's life is something that I take very seriously.  I've seen it heal me.  I've seen it heal others.  

I've seen the parents of children with developmental disabilities hire my comedy troupe for a show and then ask us to do some really blue comedy that was totally politically incorrect because they just needed to escape for a few hours.  One night, we performed for two hours straight - not stopping for our usual intermission because the comedy and the healing needed to keep on going.  The energy of the room was transformed and their faces were brighter -- ready go back home and deal with a child that they loved dearly but who was not emotionally equipped to communicate that love back.  

I've seen my actors who had a piss poor day at work revive at workshop and feel renewed after a "play-date" with the other company members.   I've pulled my self out of painful funks and crying jags by dragging myself to the web show and getting a rush of energy from our audience.   

I'd like to say that once you leave school, you leave the bullies behind.  But as any women whose been at the mercy of the Mean Girls can tell you, it doesn't always happen.   It still pervades at our colleges, social circles and workplaces, but I've found that doing comedy is a good escape for that.   Ironically, I am considered a dead ringer for one of the biggest bullies out there- Ann Coulter.  My various video jabs at the conservative cougar have brought accolades and condemnation from both sides of the political aisle.  Sometimes it's pretty vicious and obscene.   It's very clear that those cyber bullies really need to get a life which is what I tell them right before they are blocked forever from my YouTube channel.  If only it was that easy in real life.   

As far as dealing with bullies goes, you get better at handling it as you get older, but there are times when those mean girls or guys can make you feel as small as that little girl with the broken thermos.   You can either go back there and believe all those bad things about yourself, or move forward, learn to laugh and feel some compassion for those bullies.   Lisa didn't have a great home life, felt ashamed and took that anger out on me.  After the Mrs. Wiggins episode, she bullied me less and less until it stopped - she just wasn't that scary anymore.   

The cyber bullies don't have a real way of communicating with real people so they grind their angst anonymously on any internet venue they can.   The mean folks confuse passivity for weakness which is a mistake because sometimes you just have to pick your fights.  The quiet ones can strike out with terrific and focused strength when they are pushed too far.   My tongue can be a real dagger when it needs to defend me - when the nice Kelley has to be protected by the sardonic Kelley.  It's not something I like to use very often, but it's nice to know that I have it in me when it's needed.  

For me, laughter is the best medicine and comedy is my drug of choice.  It helps me keep a stiff upper lip and gives me the courage to stick my butt out.  After all, I've got pencils to sharpen.