Thanksgiving – The Other White Meat

It's October 31^st around 9:00 p.m. and the candy fueled decaying corpse of Halloween wasn’t even cold when the commercials for Christmas started.  The bright lights, festivities and the message was that the best time to get with your family is that magic day in December. There was no message about that holiday that falls on the fourth Thursday in November - the holiday that is traditionally reserved for reflection to give thanks for all we have and the blessings bestowed on us.  Thanksgiving is now officially a speed bump on the way to the more financially bloated Christmas holiday. 

I have always loved Thanksgiving even if it does give me a dose of angst as I know that my days of getting everything done before December 25^th are starting to tick away.  It used to be the one day that you knew you had to slow down because the stores were all closed.  If you worked in retail, it gave you a day to rest before the onslaught of Black Friday  - a day when legions of shoppers try to take their local malls, Targets and Wal-Marts like soldiers storming Normandy in WWII.  Black Friday is not for the faint of heart – it takes steely nerves, a strategy and a take no prisoner’s attitude – on that day, you keep your head down and know that fear is good, fear will keep you alive.  It’s precisely why taking Thanksgiving to take stock of your life is so important – you never know when reaching for that drastically reduced big screen TV might be your last.  But seriously, it’s supposed to be a time to be with family – enjoying football and avoiding a political discussion with the uncle who thinks the last good president was Ronald Reagan.  You take the time to go around the table and talk about what you’re really grateful for, not leaving half way through dinner to get to Target hours before it opens at 5:00 p.m. Thanksgiving night to get the $1 DVD door busters.

I guess the bigger question in my mind is – “Have we lost the fine art of being thankful?”  It’s a steadily snarkier world out there where people like Simon Cowell are praised for their brutal honesty and running people down on Twitter and Facebook seems to be America’s favorite past time.  You create a family video on YouTube with the baby’s first steps only to have someone leave a comment that the baby sucks.  Really?  What is happening out there?  Is the need to be the most negative the one who wins?     

Reality shows are steadily showing us the heightened effects of the demise of the human condition that include meltdowns, accusations, selfishness and a total lack of cooperation because you need to stab the other person in the back to get ahead.  But the constant barrage of negativity can take its toll after a while and skew your perception of what you should be grateful for.  If you are not rich, famous and have camera crew documenting your every move in our society, then you have nothing.  If you are not keeping up with the Kardashians then you have little to talk with other people about who would rather discuss the empty twisted adventures of pseudo-celebrities rather then taking the time to be introspective about their own lives.  

There are tons of distractions to keep us from taking stock and realize that what we have is pretty good.  There are smart phones that keep us on track so that we can get the latest tweets and instant messages from Facebook. We can use Outlook to schedule ourselves into oblivion and not have a quiet moment to think because if you are not plugged in, then you are missing out. Those quiet moments are essential for us to connect with who we are, but silencing the mind and really discovering ourselves can be flat out scary.  How many people do you know who are constantly running from appointment to appointment (almost always late I might add) or rehearsal to rehearsal, regaling you with how many projects they are working on. They are always dashing off to the next thing - never really forming tight bonds because keeping things on the surface is much easier than a heavier emotional investment.  It’s easier to cancel at the last minute when you are not deeply bonded to something because you assure yourself that something else will always come along to distract you.   You post the schedule of your exhausting day on Facebook only to be one-upped by someone who is equally over scheduled, because the one who drops dead first while working on that important project wins.You spend so much time trying to assure yourself that things are going great because you’re going at the speed of hyper-space that you don’t have the time to see much of anything until you are so emotionally or physically exhausted, you are forced to stop and hopefully ask yourself why you are so busy.  Why can’t we be thankful for what we have rather than always looking for something more?

An article by Melinda Beck of the Wall Street Journal, reported that in a landmark study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology in 2003, Dr. Robert Emmons and Dr. Michael McCullough showed that counting blessings can actually make people feel better.  A group of 100 undergrads were split into three groups.  Each group had to report on different things for 10 consecutive weeks: one group had to report five blessings each week, one group had to report five negative things each week and the last group just had to report five things that happened.   Needless to say, the group that counted their blessings were happier, exercised more and felt better about their lives than the other two groups.   As simple as it sounds, gratitude is actually a demanding, complex emotion that requires "self-reflection, the ability to admit that one is dependent upon the help of others, and the humility to realize one's own limitations," Dr. Emmons explained.  You’re simply not going to be able to do that if you are constantly rushing from one place to another without the time to reflect on what you really need.

One of my favorite all time movies is It’s a Wonderful Life with Jimmy Stewart.  It’s a great movie about the power of being grateful.  In the 1947 movie, George Bailey tries all his life to get out of Bedford Falls because he’s sure they he’ll be completely happy if he can just “shake off the dust of this town” and start anew somewhere else.   The entire movie addresses the yearning of this man to do big things in the world but every time it looks like he might get out, he’s thwarted by his father’s death, his brother’s marriage and his duty to the town he loves and hates.   He marries the love of his life  and has four kids in the home she’s always wanted to live in.   Things are going along pretty well until one Christmas Eve when his uncle misplaces $8,000 (which in today’s market would be closer to $100,000) and everything seems lost.  He’s given everything to this town and now he might go to jail for something he didn’t even do.  When he’s told by his nemesis Mr. Potter that he might be worth more dead than alive - George clutches his life insurance policy and tries to kill himself only to be saved by his guardian angel Clarence.  When he wonders what the world would be like if he was never born, Clarence grants his wish.  He ends up in an alternate reality and sees Bedford Falls empty of happiness and compassion.   All the people he ever cared about and helped fall into despair because he was not around to touch their lives.  He begs Clarence to send him back to his real world, even if it means he’ll go to jail because having the people he loves in his life is worth the risk.  In the end, his family and friends rally to his defense and he realizes that he didn’t need to leave his home, because the world he has created there is amazing and special.  It’s a movie that still resonates with people today – probably more so because it’s easy to feel overlooked and forgotten in our technological age.   

In the same Wall Street Journal article, Ms. Beck discusses “The George Bailey Effect” which asks the readers to subtract a positive person or event from their lives and think about how things would be different.  If you take that flight of imagination, it’s easy to see how your life would be different if you didn’t have that significant event or person, good or bad to help define who you are. For instance, I met my husband Max when I was 25, coming off a bad relationship with an actor and the last thing I wanted was to date another actor.   He was coming off a break-up with an actress so the both of us started off as friends who met doing a play called All Men are Whores (yes, that was the actual name of the play).  We’ve know each other for over 30 years and have been married for 27.  I will tell you that I would be a neurotic self centered person without Max in my life.  I would not have my two amazing girls.  I probably would have been married and divorced a few times to men who would not have treated me very well.   I’d probably either be very skinny or overweight from stress if I was in the entertainment business full time and having crying jags everyday. To put it simply, my life would have no balance - I would be a hot mess.  So when I look across the table and see his face, I’m thankful that he’s part of my life and thankful for the times that we’ve had together.  We have a long history and our life together has definitely seen the “for better or for worse”  sides. We’ve met those times with tenacity, love, laughter and plenty of “That’s What She Said” jokes. 

Eight year ago, my life was very different. I had just been laid off, one of our two cars had died and our sick kitty had also passed.  I could have given into the negative, but I started to volunteer for Hands on Atlanta.  I also helped sort thank-you letters to the soldiers serving overseas which helped put things in perspective because those serving in the dangerous parts of the world needed prayers and support way more than I did.  I was happy to do what I could to help them out.   During the low points in my six months of being unemployed, I made myself take walks at a local park and appreciate the beautiful trees and the sounds of the running brook. I was grateful that I was healthy and had a family that loved me even if I didn’t have a job.

This Thanksgiving, rather sitting around griping and commiserating about the election and threatening secession from the Union (really people – it didn’t really work out so well 160 years ago) or gloating because your guy won, why not talk about all the great things we have in this country – like the right to talk about seceding, the ways can help people affected by Hurricanes recover, the games you used to love to play as kids and how wonderful dinner was. I guarantee if you focus on the positive instead of the negative, everyone will leave the table feeling better and closer. 

Thanksgiving should be about more than just a huge meal to get you from Halloween to Christmas.  It should mean something.  It should mean a heartfelt thank you to those that you appreciate and do kind things for you.  Saying thanks for something specific can mean so much.  The other day, I went to Publix to pick up a few groceries and the cashier asked me if I wanted to donate a few boxes of food for their Food for Sharing program to help needy families in the area.  I said, “Sure, why not?” as she rang up an extra $4.50 to my bill, because that easily could have been my family a few years ago. She thanked me profusely since I was the first person who had taken her up on the offer.  Her supervisor walked up and started to help bag my order and was told that I had just donated to the program.  “That’s great – now we’re ahead of the other team – thank you so much and the family who will get the food thanks you too.”  They were both so happy over what would amount what I would spend on a grande salted caramel coffee from Starbucks – but this was a much better use of my money.  I left with a big smile on my face.  I had made those women’s day and they had made mine because they were sincerely thankful.

You could save yourself so much time and frustration if you just took the time to sit and ask yourself what you are grateful for and what you really need.  The lightening speed of your life can take a pause while you contemplate that.  What are you thankful for?  My guess is that it’s not the fifth project that you’ve just taken on in addition to your regular job.  I’m not going to take the holier than thou attitude because frankly I’m guilty of doing that to myself – I'm an insurance agent, I sell Mary Kay, I've finished a novel that I'm submitting to an agent, and if people ask me to help them do things for non-profits, I have a hard time saying no.  But I have gotten better – I try not to give so much away so that I’m too exhausted to be present for the people that I love and who really need me.   When I take the time to see all the great things I have in my life, I won’t be looking outside of that nucleus to feel complete.

So this year, start a new tradition - sit back and ask yourself what you have to be thankful for and let those near and dear to you know how much you love them.  The last few years have included some really tough times and the loss of my mother and sister-in-law but I got through it. I learned who really loved me, who my friends were and would stick by me no matter what. When you get right down to it, I have everything I need to be happy. Feeling grateful should always be the meat of Thanksgiving – it’s what’s for dinner.

Gadget-cide

At the risk of sounding like an old fart, I remember a time when phones had cords and when you needed to talk to someone, you had to stay in one place to talk.   You might do something else like read or draw while you were on the phone, but you didn't have the ability to walk around the house.    When cords got to be 10 feet, it gave you a little more mobility to make dinner while you were on the phone.   Multi-tasking wasn't much of a concept back in the 1970's - you just did one or two things at a time like your mom catching up on her soaps while ironing.    When you got into your car, you put in the radio and that was it - your job was to drive.   Sure, there were moms then as now, who needed to keep their kids entertained while they drove to errands, but that's what books were for.   People were able to focus better, actually talked to each other either in person or on the phone and made eye contact when they spoke in person.   These days we have cell phones that can text, give you GPS, let you know when you have appointments and gaming systems that can give the the sensation of running, bowling, playing tennis, dancing, playing games over the internet with someone in a another state or country.  What these these things can't give you is basic human interaction so that you can gauge how the people you are talking to are really doing and (gasp) give you some quiet down time to think. 

In improvisation, one of the first things I teach is how important it is to stay present.   We live in a world where even if you are talking directly to someone, there is the constant threat that your cell phone might buzz to let you know that you have an e-mail or text.  The person might glance to their iPhone to see if it's more important then you.   Worse, even if you don't have that infernal smart phone buzzing, you're still thinking about the text you need to send, project you need to finish, e-mail you need to respond to, phone call you need to return and bill you need to pay on the web.   You might be looking someone eye-to-eye, but your brain is giving them, at best about 30%.   When did being able to focus on one thing become a liability.  If you're constantly being asked how you are at multi-tasking, generally the person asking probably means - "Hey I have a hard time managing just one project at a time, and I hope you do too, so I won't feel so bad."   I've seen entire staffs share a collective ADD because they have to handle so much.  It all manages to get done, but usually not as well as it would have if everyone had been able to focus on just doing one thing at a time.  And yet, being able to juggle multiple projects and still take on more seems to be a twisted badge of honor.   I'm not saying that you have to just do one project for a week at a time but at least while you're focusing on it for an hour you're not also trying to do six other things.   It creates a whirlwind that just sucks the life out of you and you feel like nothing is getting done.  

One thing I will say for Skype is that at least you can see the person that you are talking to see how they are responding to what you have to say.  It's also hard for them to try to do something at the same time because the other person would see it.   Because the laptop camera is stationary, you can't really wander away to another room because that would take you out of view.   So, just like the days with the short phone cord, you can't really move around that much and have to stay present. With a smart phone, you can move around but who wants to be having a conversation while walking and web casting at the same time?   That sounds more like a trapeze act then a conversation.    In my recent job search, I've had countless phone interviews.  For me, that 's a tough way to interview - you can't see the body language to know if you are truly answering their questions the right way or if you need to give them more.   I had one phone interview and when I finished answering I was met with silence.   I wondered if the call had been dropped or I had said the wrong thing.  I then heard the clacking of the key board and realized that they were typing and might have been sending an e-mail while I was talking.  Of course they could have been taking notes but then they would have noticed when I stopped talking and would have mentioned that they were in fact taking notes. 

Another reason to like is that Skype it keeps you in touch with the people you hold near and dear.  I'm always touched by the fact that military families are able to Skype so that the soldier, their kids and spouses can be reassured that everything is alright.   The soldiers get to see their children as well as talk to them and the kids can show their dad or mom their latest grade, art project or loose tooth.   Even if they are half a world away, for that moment it seems like the only thing separating them is a slim computer screen.  The children can hear their parent read a bedtime story and go to sleep with the image of someone they love reading Winnie the Pooh.  Skyping is the next best thing to being there.   

Technology is supposed to make our lives easier and yet the more plugged in we are, the less down time we have.   It was supposed to cut our work time in half but it seems to have doubled it.   You can't go on vacation without promising to check your job e-mail or voice mail once a day so if there's a crisis, you know about it.   Wanting to say, "Hey, I need to unplug, so I'll check my e-mail when I get back," makes you seem like you're not a team player.  I once worked for a guy who expected me to check my e-mail at least twice a day while I was on vacation to justify the time that I was taking off.    It was my vacation time, yet that wasn't good enough.  I had to stay in touch in case I had to put out any fires by remote and I needed to be able to text back within an hour if he needed me.    Frankly, that's not a vacation it's just not being in the office.  

Facebook is another technological entity which is a two edged sword.    It's a vehicle that's supposed to let people know who are and what you think.  You can use it to network and let others share in some good news.  You also have be careful about what you post if it's not always positive.   I've posted a few political quips only to be roundly criticized by my "Facebook friends" who didn't share the same opinion.   I'm all for differing ideas, but I have to wonder if the vehemence of the response would have been so strong if it were in person or on the phone.    I'm guessing I could would couched my terms more carefully, and the responses in dealing with a live person would have been more muted.   It's also interesting that when people don't have anything to say or anything new happening in their lives, they often rely on some really cute kitten pictures with a caption just to get people to notice them.   

Probably the most disturbing technological trend is texting and driving.   It should be a no brainer that in choosing between maneuvering a gadget that weighs a few ounces versus a vehicle that weighs a few tons - the car should win out.   Yet some people - particularly teens are so addicted to texting they can't let it go once they are behind the wheel of a car.   Unfortunately that behavior affects more than just the errant texter: 

• About 6,000 deaths and a half a million injuries are caused by distracted drivers every year.

• While teenagers are texting, they spend about 10 percent of the time outside the   driving lane they’re supposed to be in.

• Talking on a cell phone while driving can make a young driver’s reaction time as slow as that of a 70-year-old.

• Answering a text takes away your attention for about 5 seconds. That is enough time to travel the length of a football field.

There are apps that you can get on your phone to let people know you are in your car and you'll return their messages later - no one deserves to lose their life over a LOL :p.    Yet our obsession with being plugged in is killing us and taking it's toll on our quality of life.   It's okay if you can't be contacted every waking hour of the day - it doesn't make you less worthy - it just makes you sane. 

I guess some of us are afraid to be alone with our thoughts. I once worked for a woman who had to schedule and double schedule every hour of the work week.   I'd also notice on her calendar that she tons of events planned for the weekend.    There was no down time, no time for introspection.   It didn't make me admire her ability to juggle tasks it made me wonder what she was running from - why couldn't she stop - why couldn't she just say no?   She was frequently frazzled and late for almost every appointment but she had to keep going - her schedule was handling her - she was not handling her schedule.  And yet, if you tried put in an hour to two in which she was not meeting with someone or on her way somewhere - she'd rail like somehow she was losing her edge.   In reality being so over extended was making her less sharp not more.    

I try as much as possible to unplug before I go to bed and read.   I also like to run with music and then pull off my ear buds for my last mile so I can feel the rhythm of my breath with the sound of my feet on the earth.   I try to listen the birds in the trees who use their own songs to talk to each other.   I like to take long walks in the park and have found my own thinking spot that's quiet and has the sound of a stream running nearby.   It's calming for me to be near water and just listen - to hear the sound of life running quietly on it's own.  (click here to see video) 

I sat for 20 minutes and watched a bird clean itself in the stream and then fly to a tree to be with his flock.   It was calming, it was uncomplicated - it was simply nature.    I think we all need to unplug on a regular basis.  It doesn't make you less important, it makes you more human.   This new technological frontier has benefits but without limits it can push you towards gadget-cide.   To quote Albert Einstein, "Why does this magnificent applied science which saves work and makes life easier bring us so little happiness? The simple answer runs: Because we have not yet learned to make sensible use of it."  If Einstein could see it 80 years ago, we need to see it now.   So go outside, breathe in the spring air and just be - trust me, you'll feel much smarter than your phone.