Pants on Fire

There are times when I wonder if I should have been a detective or attorney.   I have a good analytical mind and can piece things together pretty well.  I can also pick out inconsistencies in a story pretty quickly.   I guess being a writer and an improviser helps because you have to create stories out of thin air and make them plausible.  So when I see a movie or TV show and the plot points are sloppy – I get pissed.  For instance, if the premise of Once Upon a Time is that no one can enter or leave the town of Storybrooke if they are not part of the cursed world that the queen has banished them all too - then how are they getting food, clothing, gas and other amenities?   Do the truckers who haul that stuff to the city have a special immunity to go in and out?   That’s a pretty significant premise to not at least address in one of the shows (for the record I’m hooked on that show but that doesn’t mean that I give them a pass on details that don’t match up).   Making sure that you have your facts straight is key to being a good story teller – it helps to keep you honest.   When people decide not to be honest and to flat out lie, things start to unravel.  Those stories can turn into liabilities pretty quickly. 

There are several layers of lies that people tell for various reasons.   There are the little white lies that you might tell when someone asks something like: “Do you like my new hair color?”   Since the hair dye is cast  - what is the point of telling that person that it looks like a red fire ball exploded on their head.   A simple smile and a “That’s very interesting – what were you going for there?”  will get you out of telling the truth while not exactly lying.  “Do these jeans make my butt look big?” might be better answered  with “How do they make you feel?”  or “What do you love about them?”   Then there are the tall tales – the exploits of fishing, hunting or great sports acumen that didn’t really happen as the person telling you experienced them but they’re spinning a good yarn, so you let them go with it.  For instance, the one about the 20 pound grouper that was caught but that wiggled off the side of the boat before they could get a picture of it.  Then there's that morning run that went longer and faster than any recent runs, braking any past personal best or the bucks that were fighting in the forest who stopped and ran away when you played “Hopeless Place” on your iPhone because even they could tell that Rianna song was lame.   Those little white lies can spare feelings.   Those tall tales don’t really hurt anyone so they’re really rather harmless. 

It's the other kind of lies - the ones that are told to get out of things, to lead someone on, to further your own agenda, that can can spin wildly out of control.   It can all start innocently enough in childhood when your mother asks you to clean your room and you promise you will.  When she asks,  you tell her you did as you rush out the door to play with your friends.   Then, she actually checks and finds that you shoved all the mess under the bed.  When you come home, you hear about it and get punished.  More than likely, you didn't have a good time playing because you knew you would get it when you got home.   Lying made you feel paranoid, unhappy and worst of all, it let someone you love down.   You'd think most people would learn to stop lying the first few times they feel crappy or have the feeling that they would be found out but some people became immune to that guilt. 

When my improv group holds try outs, I'll usually get about  8 to 10 people who want to come out to audition.  Some of them even friend me on Facebook.  I accept the requests because it gives me a chance to see what sort of stuff they post (hey, it's not snooping if they ASK ME to be their FB friend).   One night, I had an actress use the "family emergency" excuse.   She said that she had to be at the hospital with her family.    The night of auditions finished with a few promising new performers and I went home to check my e-mails and my Facebook page.   The top status update on the feed was from the actress who had the "family emergency."  It turns out her status was that she was bored watching "Dancing with the Stars" with no mention of the being at the hospital.  When she called me later to reschedule, I asked how her family was doing.   She seemed confused and then tried to cover by saying everything was fine now.   I mentioned her post on Facebook which came up on my feed.   Sensing that she had been found out - she took the defensive.  "Oh my God, are you like cyber stalking me?"    She quickly hung up and never called back.   I was actually grateful that I found out before I had even gotten a chance to cast her - it saved me a whole lot of headaches down the road.   

Another time, my improv group had to perform a show with another comedy group the same night because of a booking error.  After that show, I called the woman running the theater to confirm some additional dates.  I was told that she had just received an angry e-mail about the improv show and that it had been sent to the city council and the mayor.   Because of this e-mail she was canceling our shows.  I asked if I could see the e-mail and she replied that it was too angry for me or the other group to see.  I had a friend on the city council and asked her if she had seen it - she replied that she never got it.   When I brought this up - I was met with defensiveness that the e-mail had been written a while ago so they might not have remembered it.   "I thought you said that you just got it,"  I pointed out.   "Uh, the date on it was right after the show because it was so specific but maybe the person waited to send it to me," she said stumbling to keep her facts straight.  "I was going to try to help you out but now it doesn't matter," she fumed and hung up.   Interestingly enough, her group's musical would be ending the weekend before ours - so if she wanted to extend it another week - us not playing there would make the extension a lot easier.   It was at that time that we decided to do the web show which was very successful and got over 225,000 views in nine months.   The theater company that canceled our shows, well - they are not in business anymore.    A little karmic justice goes along way. 

Now it's not that all theater people are dishonest   - but I would think that people who work in the realm of creating fantasy would do a better job of lying - it shouldn't be so easy to pick apart.   One part of me is pulling for them and wants to yell - "C'mon - if you're going to lie to me- dammit - do a much better job of it!  I could run a freight train through the holes in your story."    So as a writer, I would like to offer some pointers on how to lie more effectively.   It's not easy and it takes a lot of thought, planning and a terrific memory but if you work really hard at it you might find it way easier than telling the truth and dealing with the consequences of your actions.

Five Simple Rules for Liars:

1.   Always make the other person doubt themselves if they begin to suspect that you are lying.  Planting self doubt is the best way to make another person question themselves rather than you.  For instance:   When Newt Gingrich's infidelity came up during a debate,  he made it seem like it was not a proper question to ask a political candidate and used media bias as an excuse for his persecution rather than to choosing to answer the question.  It was as if  he was saying that the liberal media made him wrongly appear unfaithful even though it's well documented that he was.  Now that's a master stroke of dishonesty.   Well played Mr. Speaker - no wonder you'll get the Republican nomination!

2.  Paint yourself as something you're not and then spin the story so many times it just might become fact.   Remember the story of the Balloon Boy - whose "eccentric" inventor father Richard Heene claimed that his son Falcon was in the basket of a silver mushroom balloon that he built?  The nation was glued to the TV as the wayward balloon floated over Colorado and finally came down only to find out that the little boy safely "hiding" in the family's attic.   The parents seemed relived that their little guy was safe and sound at home.  After a media storm of interviews, some of the details started to fall apart and little Falcon let it slip that his father told him to hide there.  The whole thing was a hoax.    The parents got into a world of trouble, went to jail and had to pay a $44,000 fine for the time that law enforcement spent trying to find the little tyke.   Another mini lesson to be learned is never trust a small child to keep lying for you.  Their attention span is just not that good - they'll get tired and accidentally tell the truth. 

3. They were mentally incapable of knowing the truth - you did them a favor.   This one is especially good if you are really pushed up against a wall and are trying to justify something really bad that you did - like order that a Marine get killed on Guantanamo Bay to maintain order.   It's especially important to become very angry, stand up, point and yell: "The truth, the truth -- you can't handle the truth."  People will become intimidated and definitely back off - it worked out really well for Jack Nicholson's character in A Few Good Men. 

4.  Do something bad, deny it and get as many people as possible to cover it up -  This tactic worked well for President Nixon after he authorized the break-in to the Democratic National Committee's offices at the Watergate hotel in 1972.   There was hardly any fallout and it was good that President Nixon taped his conversations so that people knew that he was totally innocent.   Even better, he said that  "I can say categorically that... no one in the White House staff, no one in this Administration, presently employed, was involved in this very bizarre incident."   That seemed to satisfy Congress who didn't feel the need to investigate any further and the President was able to serve out the rest of his term - those tapes really helped clear him of any wrong doing!

5.  Play fast and loose with definitions to deflect blame  -  First have an affair with a White House intern, but don't actually have sexual intercourse so technically it's not an affair but do all sorts of stuff that your wife would probably not want  you to do with another woman.   Remember when asked if you had an affair to say in a very angry and direct manner - "I did not have sexual relations with that women."  Just make sure that they define sexual relations only as intercourse - then you're in the clear - President Clinton certainly was.   If possible get any blue dresses that might have incriminating residue.  

So you see if two Presidents were able to get away with it, you can too.  No one found out and they were not impeached.  Oh, crap who am I kidding - they didn't get away with a damn thing and it all came crashing down in flames around them.  I guess it's true - honesty is the best policy and it's also way less emotionally and spiritually exhausting.  With the truth, you just don't have to make up so many details that can be picked apart later.    That's why it's always important to strive to be honest.   Oh, by the way - those jeans make your butt look amazing!

First Sight

The first time I saw the love of my life Max, he was wearing a t-shirt that said "I'm not wearing any underwear, film at 11:00!"  His long wavy brown hair was flowing over his shoulders right to the top of his tattoo of a pig devil named Hot Stuff holding a musket.    He was cutting up with his friend Richard, smoking a cigarette and going over his lines.    I had never really been into heavy metal bands, but was pretty sure this guy was probably in one. 

I was 24 at the time and dressed in a white shorts, a white shirt that was tied in a knot at my waist, white sneakers and my long blond hair was spilling over my shoulders (apparently I wanted to play the part of the vestal virgin).   I asked if this was the place for the auditions and expected to be condescended to  (as a life long blond, folks generally assume you're not very bright right off the bat - a big mistake).   But instead of making fun of me, he made eye contact briefly, immediately looked down and said "Yes" quietly.     "Oh, my God, he's shy.  That's so cute," I thought as we waited to go in and read for the show. 

We both got cast in the show All Men are Whores, (that was the original name of the play) for the FIU Playwrights' Festival.  As the weeks of rehearsals progressed,  I found myself drawn to this man who smelled of cigarettes and Wella Balsam.   For a guy with long hair, it was always very well conditioned and soft.  Best of all, I could talk to him easily.  But because I was dating another actor in the improv troupe Mental Floss, he had to remain my buddy Max.   He was also dating someone else, a gorgeous actress in Miami, so our relationship had to stay friendly and nothing more.   Ironically he played the two timing lead with me as his thing on the side.   

One day, we were rehearsing on the set with the rest of the cast watching and we had to do a long passionate kiss.   We had been just stage kissing in the other rehearsals, but something about that day - his minty fresh breath, the cream rinse in his hair, the warmth of his neck and the fact that he never treated me like a dumb blond converged into the moment when I forgot where I was.  I genuinely kissed him - a full on french kiss.  The scene ended and I felt mortified.  "That was so unprofessional, what must he think of me?" I thought as I hastily got up from the couch, shook his hand and said, "Good working with you," and then left quickly, my heart ready to pound out of my chest.   How could I have done that?  He's my buddy, nothing more I told myself and didn't say anything to Patrick, my boyfriend.  He was an actor too, but he wouldn't understand - our relationship was tentative enough as it was.   We had a five day break in rehearsals so I was hoping that Max would forget all about it. 

A few days later, I was auditioning for another play, called Raining Backwards.   I did my monologue and afterwards talked to the producer and then saw Max talking to the director.  It turns out he was also a designer and would be building the set.   I said a quick "Hi" and felt my face starting to flush.  "Hey," he said and we exchanged some quick pleasantries about the play we were in.   It seemed weird and random to see him there.  I had not mentioned this audition and he hadn't mentioned that he was the designer.  "Okay, what's going on?" I asked the universe as I drove home that day.  

I got over the tonsil hockey incident and we kept rehearsing  All Men are Whores.   One weekend, shortly before we were supposed to open, I auditioned for another play called Robin Goodfellow which was the children's theater version of A Midsummer's Night Dream.   I was auditioning for Titania when Max walked in.  "My God, does this guy know everyone in town?" I thought.  Again, another random meeting that neither one of us had mentioned.   We both got cast as the fairy queen and king for this show which had a six months month rehearsal schedule which under normal circumstances I would have objected to -- but it gave me an excuse to see Max on a regular basis.    On the drive home from this audition it was clear that the universe wanted us to be together.  

Whore Dogs  opened and was pretty well received (we had to change the title from All Men are Whores since the playwright had stolen the original name from a David Mamet play).   Patrick broke up with me shortly after it opened.   I was a little sad but not devestated.  It had never really been a good relationship from the start, just convenient.  I grew tired of his passive-agressive behavior.   I called Max that night using a ruse about starting an improv group and pumping him for information about decent theaters to work with.  He sensed that something was wrong but didn't press me for details.   The last thing I wanted to do at that point was date another actor - I just needed my buddy Max to talk to.  

As the rehearsals for Robin Goodfellow continued, Max and I got to know each other better and I let him know after six weeks that Patrick was no longer in the picture.   He told me that his girlfriend had gone to New York, but hadn't called in two weeks and it was pretty much over over.   So we went out, had chicken wings and talked about acting, our lives and the future.     

If you had told me 25 years ago I'd be married to a guy who was a dead ringer Ted Nugent, I would have said "Who the hell is Ted Nugent?"  Then after finding out,  I would have said, "No freaking way!  I'm going to marry a yuppie like Miles Silverberg," who was a character on Murphy Brown.    That was supposed to be my type - the career driven guy that would work all the time, be a little neurotic and make tons of money - that guy was supposed to make me happy.    But I wonder how many women have walked by guys like Max and never given them a second look in their quest for a doctor or a lawyer who could give financial security but not much else.   I've been around tons of women who had the nice house, cars,  and vacations.   But after being around them and their husbands for 10 minutes, it's pretty clear they've sold their souls for designer clothes, handbags and lunches at Bal Harbor.   I used to come home from work and think they could buy and sell me 10 times over but I wouldn't trade my life with them for anything.  Of course not all women who are married to well to do men end up like that,  but I feel for those that didn't give themselves a chance to be happy with someone who was not their "type."

In our 19 years of marriage, we've survived Hurricane Andrew, the deaths of three of four of our parents, a malpractice lawsuit, Max's near death from chicken pox, a child diagnosed with autism, and moving to Georgia without really knowing a soul.    It's been a challenge at times to make ends meet and we've had our fights along the way, but everyday I look at him I thank God and our guardian angels for those random auditions.  He's still my lover and my best friend - my buddy Max.  I think tonight we'll cuddle on the couch, say how much we love each other and watch a film at 11:00.