Clarence and the Superhero Factor

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" - Clarence the Angel - It's a Wonderful Life

I'll be the first to admit that the last few weeks have been downright awful, depressing, physically, emotionally and spiritually draining.  The kind that make you question why you're here - a genuine George Bailey moment.   For those that don't know the movie, It's a Wonderful Life, George Bailey is the kind of guy that sacrifices himself to do the right thing, to follow in his father's footsteps at the expense of his own dreams of being an engineer overseas.  When a financial crisis befalls the business he has given up so much for - he is ready to give up in a big way - as in take his own life.  Now, I wasn't quite there but I was really depressed to the point of wondering what God's plan for me truly is.  
 

I have worked in non-profits for most of my adult life.   I've helped abused and abandoned children, women in developing countries get education and healthcare, worked on international AIDS prevention, brought open heart services to the local hospital, helped to market edgy theatre to the Atlanta and helped adults with developmental disabilities.   It's been a wide range of experiences and to all walks of life.   Accomplishing those things should make me feel fucking awesome - like a real superhero.  But lately, I've been so burned out that the idea of helping people seems to be a big drain.  I give way more than I get back - and that realization has shaken me to my core.   I try to look at the spiritual gifts: the smiles on the faces of the children who used to get the presents from the toy drives I spearheaded; the reports of women in Kenya being able to get a cart to start their own businesses thanks to a micro loan I helped facilitate; the associates at the local hospital who were able to show their talents at the staff talent show in a venue that made them feel like a star.   Those moments are valuable and impossible for a paycheck to capture.  But then, when you work 70 to 90 hour weeks on a project, pull miracle upon miracle out of your pocket and the committee people that you're working with don't have the decency to say thank you because it didn't turn out as perfectly as they would have liked - it hurts.   Maybe if you weren't so burned out you could roll with the punches, but sometimes you just feel like hanging up your cape or like George Bailey on Christmas Eve - wondering if the world be better off if you had never been born at all because all the good you do doesn't seem to amount to much.  
 

There is actually a term for it - it's called Superhero Burnout which is tailor made for people who work at non-profits.  It can be hard to have to deal with having little time or resources, lack of money, and constant stressors over the economy.   We have to do so much with so little and it can take it's toll.  The book, The Superhero Handbook by Glenn Campbell (the author not the singer) explains why being Superman can be so exhausting.  "Every superpower, no matter how impressive, has its load limit, and if you exceed it, one way or another your powers will be rendered useless. It is like piling too many apples on a cart.  Each apple seems small and easy to carry, but if you keep adding more, eventually the cart has to collapse. You don’t know exactly when it will happen, but as long as you keep adding apples you know it will happen, and when it does, your cart won’t carry anything anymore.  That is the fundamental problem of super-heroism. You want to do as much good for the world as you can.  You want to improve your society, but you must not compromise your precious core powers that allow you to do anything at all."   

Most superheroes have their own weaknesses or Kryptonite.   My weakness it's setting boundaries and self-doubt.  When my efforts are barely acknowledged, I feel slighted and hurt.  I doubt my skills and try to do more to make up for it.  It's the sort of thing that the Lois Lanes of the world prey upon.   Why should Lois be more careful when she's involved with a dangerous story?  She knows that Superman will always bail her out.   If there was no superhero, she'd be more be more responsible.   Why should the folks in Bedford Falls worry when the big bank closes?  They have George Bailey giving away his honeymoon money to save their asses until the bank opens in a week.  So falls the great problem with being a superhero - there is just so much of you to go around and the people who put themselves in peril know that.  They know that you won't let them fail, they know that you'll do anything you can to help them.  They'll take the help and will at first be grateful but after awhile they will take it for granted.   But as a superhero, your drug is feeling like you can change the world and the world will be grateful.  You work to relive that first buzz of appreciation but as they ask for more and more, you get more and more drained - then you begin to resent the people of Metropolis and Gotham.   "For God's sake, get a grip and do something to help yourself for a change - stop coming to me for all the answers," you want to shout.  
 

So as I look back at the last few weeks - the crazy hours and time not spent with my family it strikes me that my pursuit of being good and kind might be causing my apple cart to collapse.  Why do I feel so unworthy if I want to do something for myself?   If things happen that are out of my control yet still effect my family - how am I to blame?  How come I can't save everyone who needs my help?  The reality is no superhero, no matter how noble - can.   It's impossible.  You have to focus on the people that you have helped - in whose life you had made a difference and frankly screw anyone who doesn't have the capacity or decency to show some type of appreciation for the sacrifices you've endured to help them because they'll never get it - it's just not in their wheelhouse.  They will still ask you for more and more until you can't give anymore - you're physically, intellectually and spiritually bankrupt.  This is why you need to set limits.  Sadly, once those people see that - rather than offering support, they'll move onto the next superhero in the Hall of Justice that they can latch onto.  

I was thinking the other day about the most important things I've ever done as a professional fundraiser.   I did toy drives for abused kids in Miami for a charity that I used to work for.  I would drive myself to exhaustion to make sure each of the 600 kids in the different programs got at least a few presents for Christmas.   I would come back to work the week after the holidays and try to clear my desk from the December push still fighting post-holiday burnout.  I knew our kids got what they needed even if I never saw a thank-you note from them because it wasn't necessary - they just needed to know that there were people who wanted to help them.  The presents that came into "Santa Central" went out with little fanfare because that was not the point.  
  

One year, I had a social worker named Andrea call me and relay what a parent had told her.   One of the programs at this organization was to help families affected by HIV.   This mother and son both had been infected with AIDS.  The mother was in bad shape, with maybe a few months left to live.  Her son Octavius was five or six and had HIV but was not full blown AIDS just yet.  The social workers knew this would probably be their last Christmas together.  I wasn't aware how bad it was, I just treated Octavius' wish list like any other in "Santa Central" - it needed to be filled the best way I could.   Andrea told me that she had just gotten off the phone with Octavius' mother and while she was weak and her voice was raspy - she was able to say "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you," over and over again.    You could hear our tears on each end of the phone. That one simple act changed their lives and gave a dying woman a happy and ordinary moment to share with her son, free of hospitals and medicine.   She died that spring and Octavius a year later.   But for that one glorious moment, they were just a mother and son ripping into Christmas presents and smiling.    To this day, I think it's one of the most important "Superhero" things I've ever done. 

Another superhero moment was when I helped organize a talent show at the hospital where I used to work.   We invited associates and volunteers to audition for a chance to perform to win prizes.  We had many people audition including a man named John Sullivan who sang Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers which was the song that Max and I danced to at our wedding.   He was a guy in his 80's who had that old world charm and could sell the song even if his vocals were not the strongest.  We invited him to compete even though my boss thought it was a bad idea because his voice was not that great.  I explained that we needed the hospital volunteers to support the event and having John in the contest would bring them in.  My intuitional hit was that he would go all out during the actual show.  The night of the show finally came and while the younger contestants were acting like Diva's, John showed up in a tuxedo, ready to do his sound check and encouraging everyone who stepped on stage.  When his big moment came, he was as poised as Frank Sinatra and totally wowed the crowd which gave him a standing ovation.   He ended up winning the contest and you could see the pride on his face.   I made a video for him and also posted his performance on YouTube where his family who were not able to attend could share in his triumph. Click here to see the video. 
 

I found out later that Mr. Sullivan had gotten sick and passed away about six months after the video was taken.   But before he left this earth, he got to sing and entertain people.   The video on-line has been viewed over 1,300 times and his family left some very sweet comments after he died.  They will always be able to share in this moment which shows him doing what he loved best.   I helped give them that.  I'm not sure how many superheroes get to see that but thankfully I can.  I need to not lose sight of that. 
 

"Strange, isn't it? Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" 
 

So for all those superheroes: doctors, nurses, first responders, teachers, police officers, firefighters, soldiers, case workers, social workers and legions of people who work in non-profits who don't make the money or have the recognition and fame like Kim Kardashian or Donald Trump.  I know it's easy wonder why we bother sometimes.  It's easy to give into the Mr. Potters, Lex Luthors, the Jokers and the Green Goblins because no matter how many times you save the world, the world will still always need saving.  Those supervillains will want to pick off the good and make us look bad.  But it's the people that you touch that you can't always see that need our help the most - theirs are the lives we can transform.   It's not that they are ungrateful, it's just that there might be so many degrees of separation that they might not know who to thank.   For what it's worth, the world needs us - whether it's in Metropolis, Gotham City, Bedford Falls, or Metro Atlanta.    Sure, it's exhausting and people can be incredibly insensitive.  Sometimes it just really, really sucks.   But if life has taught me anything, it's that people like Octavius and John Sullivan can randomly walk into your life and make you stronger.   So thank you Clarence for reminding all us ordinary superheroes that when we jump in to save someone like you - we are actually saving ourselves. 

Bad Things and Good People

I had just finished doing my Zumba 2 for Wii and was standing in front of the TV sweating profusely when I heard that there had been a shooting in Aurora, Colorado.  This time it was at the midnight showing of Batman: The Dark Knight Rises and it was like a scene out of a horror movie.   It seemed crazy, all those people going to have a fun evening out with their favorite super hero and then the unimaginable happened.   There was panic, fear, and yet in those moments of confusion, incredible bravery as strangers helped strangers survive.    On the news, you've seen family members' faith in God unshaken even as they stand by the bedside on of the victims and you wonder how they can be so calm and have the wisdom to forgive someone who shattered their lives?   Time and time again, tragedy after tragedy, you see good people at their very best after the dealing with the reality of the absolute worst. 

You probably know the horrific details of the shooting so I'll only deal with the numbers, at this point, 12 people dead and 58 wounded from bullets and the gas bomb that this whack job used to keep people from being able to leave the theater easily.   The victims range from a three month old baby to a man who was celebrating his 27th birthday.   It's another inconceivable act from the mind of someone so emotionally disturbed and evil who wanted to spread his misery to others.   It's emotional terrorism whether it's part of a political or religious group - it's designed to make us feel scared and helpless - to shake us so that we don't do what we love like going to a movie because we're afraid someone will hurt us.   It reminds us how fragile life is and that we can't take anything for granted. If anything good can come from this tragedy, maybe realizing that you need to tell the people that you love how much you love them because - well - you just never know.   But if I know my fellow Americans, and I've been one for almost 50 years - I know we'll raise past this, hopefully learn from it and work to make sure it never happens again. 

I was just a few months old when President Kennedy was shot.   That act also was designed to make us scared and ask:  if the President of the United States is not safe, then who among us is?   The heartbreaking image of a young John F. Kennedy Jr. saluting his father's casket is an image that is burned into most American's collective unconscious even if they weren't around to actually see it live.  The assassination happened almost 49 years ago around Thanksgiving and I'm sure that many people in 1963 thought that they could never enjoy another Thanksgiving after what the Kennedys and the country had been through.   Few people felt like having Christmas and probably muddled through as best they could to keep some sense of normalcy for the sake of the children.  I'm sure that the prayers on that New Year's Eve is that 1964 would bring better times.    Ironically in my family it did, my sister Sharon was born just nine months after that fateful day in Dallas.   It occurred to me one day in the mid 1990's on my way to work on Metro-Rail in Miami, that perhaps one part of the divine purpose of something as tragic as John F. Kennedy's passing is that we all need to connect on a deeper level - to reassure ourselves that life goes on.   A year later, people were still missing the young president and his family in the White House, but Thanksgiving eventually came back to realizing just what you had to be thankful for.   Like loving the time you have with the people you love because sometimes there are no do overs. 

I remember when the Columbine shootings happened - Max and I just had to turn off the TV after a while because school is a place that a child should be safe and the reality of what was happening in real time as it happened was just to horrible to conceive.  Amber was just two then and we had just moved up to Georgia.   I thought about how I was glad that she was sleeping in her room at home after were we could keep an eye on her and thanking God that for that moment in time I had that sort of control - to keep my child safe in my arms but knowing I won't always be able to keep her that way.   As the days, weeks and months after the Columbine shootings occurred you saw a community and people all over the world come together and send well wishes to the children and teachers who had been victimized.  Strangers were raising money to help the victims and their families because it helped them and you heal.  The end result is that it spurred closer scrutiny at dress codes, school security and threats posted on-line which has prevented similar atrocities from happening.   

Max and I also saw 9/11 happen live on TV - just after Charlie Gibson had finished his interview with Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York who was once a princess and how she had made a real mess of her life on Good Morning America.   Those last few seconds of normalcy were the ones you take for granted just like the night before when our family had gone to Golden Corral with five year old Amber and nine month old Daniel.  We, like most Americans on that September 10, 2001, had no idea that was the last dinner we'd have before the country felt like it had been kicked in the stomach and thousands of people would die in coordinated attacks.   I remember then that we had to turn off the TV after about 11:00 a.m. because it was just too much to comprehend.  I kept on thinking that it was a bad Bruce Willis movie and that at the end - the credits would roll and life would go back to normal.   But there would never be that same normal again.    There were grounded airplanes and travelers not stuck for hours in one place, but days with limited supplies because some very small airports now had hundreds or thousands of travelers.   The townspeople in these cities rallied and brought food to these very weary travelers - unlikely friendships were struck out of that tragedy as total strangers bore their souls to each other out of fear and loneliness.   Everyone felt bad, everyone had seen the news - everyone hurt and as a collective we were there for each other.  

I remember working at Actor's Express in Atlanta and coming out of the theater and seeing a young woman in tears a few days after the attacks.  I didn't have to ask why, I knew.  I instinctively gave her a hug and told her it would be alright as my own tears fell to the pavement.   The woman noticed Daniel in the stroller and we started to talk about how fast babies grow and for a moment - it felt like before 9/11 - before your sense of security being seared off your soul.   She got Daniel to smile and for him to hold her hand.  She was grateful to have someone to talk to as she waited for her husband to pick her up - he was running late and that added to her anxiety.   He arrived, we hugged again and she got in the car.  I never saw the woman again but I'll never forget that quick connection to the mutual pain we all felt - my God - how could you not?   After that, I frequently brought the baby Daniel with me to work during those tough days and weeks.  He was a welcome respite from all the terrible news that was going on then.   He would be passed from lap to lap, cheerfully eating his Cheerios and playing with his baby keys.    He was a happy baby because his world was exactly the same as it was before 9/11.  The people who worked at the theater needed to touch that sweet innocence - that new beginning of hope that babies bring.   I imagine that during the days after the Kennedy assassination, I played the same role - being that infantile philosopher that showed the world that life goes on even when everything looks bleak because it has to - life is like that.  It's self renewing and having that knowledge can pull you out of the darkest times.   

In these first few days after such a frightening event, saying prayers for the victims helps momentarily but then you just feel like nothing makes sense.   You can still have your belief in God, but question how this could have been part of his/her plan.   A six year old and a sailor should be sharing ice cream and not the fate of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Why did that man have to die on his 27th birthday on a night when he was tweeting on how psyched he was to see The Dark Knight?   Why didn't fate step in and stop James Holmes on the way to the theater?   How could something as simple as going to a movie become more hazardous than traveling down a hostile road in Iraq?   I'm not sure if there is a greater plan at work here - maybe it's just a wake up call to finally get some responsible legislation on gun control.    Because this time it wasn't about kids in school, or a President - it could have been any of us sitting in a theater trying to forget about life to awhile - even someone who belongs to the NRA.   

This weekend, I'm thinking about those other tough times in history when we've been tested and we've come back stronger than before.   We support each other - churches and other religious organizations see up ticks in attendance and for that moment and let's face it - the moment doesn't last forever - but we're united because that's the way it needs to be right now.   People will enjoy going to movies again and not be afraid.  After 9/11- Broadway struggled but in a few months was back to the same audiences it had before the attacks and unlike the airlines, without a government subsidy.  It took time for the airlines to come back but now there's metal detectors, air marshals and security delays that most people don't mind because it's what we need to be safe.  It's been almost 11 years since 9/11 and yet their has not been a successful attack - just thwarted plans because of that security.    People understand that need and don't complain because we don't want to go back to that horrible day in September 2001.  

Good people will always trump the bad - that's just who we are.    There are the heroes from that night who don't want the attention and were just glad to be there to lend a hand and just had enough insane courage to make a difference.   There are good people out there trying to do the right things for the victims of the crime - like the United Way of Denver that is taking donations for the victims and local churches holding vigils and offering comfort because that's just what they do.   So hold your children tighter, kiss your partner harder and love the time you have together - because bad people never triumph and the Dark Knight will rise again.