The Long Journey Home

I really feel for Ann Curry.   10 million dollars or not (although I'll say that is one hell of a severance package) it's still hard to come to work during those final weeks and days when you know that you're on  your way out.  It's tough when you're being blamed for things that are not in your control and having to keep up a happy face while those around you know that your time at that company is coming to an end.   It must have very hard for Conan O'Brien as well - doing the best he could with the promises he'd been given for the Tonight Show and seeing that relationship that he had cultivated for 20 years go down in flames.   Ann had been at the Today Show for 15 years including the one year in the anchor chair but she seemed to be the royal whipping gal because the one successful franchise that NBC has is getting chipped away by Good Morning America.   It might not have been you Ann but rather that the Today show is on for four long, long, very long hours - it seem obvious where some of the problems might lie, but the brass on top has to blame someone.  Sometimes a head has to roll and sure as hell is not going to be theirs (although why not get rid of Kathy Lee?  Seriously - has no one in NBC Programming ever had to sit through that fourth hour of Today?)   But from my experience, sometimes that final straw - that moment when you get the call that it's finally over - there comes a sense of relief that you won't have to deal with the same old crap anymore and that uncertainty can be a welcome change from the sense of dread you felt coming into work each day. 

Ann, you have a pretty good golden parachute.  I doubt that you'll be filing for unemployment anytime soon.   But leaving without it being your choice can hurt and it knocks your self esteem pretty hard.   Really hard - like you had a title and now you're a non-person in the eyes of a lot of people kind of hard.   I know how that feels.   I was laid off of a very prestigious job.   I had a pretty good standing in the community and I got a three month severance package (though not 10 million).  I was told a month before my actual last day that I was being let go and then had to spend the next 30 days saying good bye and trying to help my coworkers fill the void.   That staff meeting where I had to break the news myself was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.   I had grown very close to two of the women I worked with and the idea of not seeing them everyday and sharing those daily tidbits of our lives was frankly going to be the thing I missed the most.  The office politics - not so much.  

So once the announcement was made, I tried to make the transition as easy as possible and tried to set up checklists and timelines so that at the time I actually left there would be a smooth transition.   Why did I feel the need to do that?  They were the ones letting me go.  Why did I care?  Those that found out that I was leaving were usually pretty mad for me - but I had to stay professional and let them know that it was going to be okay even if I wasn't certain that it would be.   I'd have to cheer up those coworkers who were in tears and would drive to work with water streaming down my face and drove home that way just so that no one would see me doing it in the office.  It was exhausting some days but I managed one of the hardest times in my life with class and dignity because no one was going to see me trying to do it with anything less.  God dammit, I was not going to give them that satisfaction.   

So the weeks and days ticked by and the last day drew near.   I was going onto the uncertain but certain that I could not take another month of people either really sorry to me see go, or wonder why it happened.  They would ask me what my next step was and I didn't have an answer because the resumes had just gone out.  I'd have people who I was quite friendly with before this barely make eye contact or speak to me because they were either uncomfortable or were afraid that  my soon to be unemployment would be catching.   At the last luncheon that the office would have with me, the women in the group arrived a little late because we were having a hard time getting ourselves together.  My soon to be ex-boss was sitting at the table playfully pointing to his watch.   I fought the urge to lean in very close to his face and say "Yeah, we're a little late- so fire me."   As the last night of my employment drew to a close, ironically at the lighting of a huge Christmas Tree - I drove home with a huge sense of relief tinged with sadness.  I had given it my best shot and now after almost four years it was over.   

The next day I couldn't really sleep in because the kids still had a schedule even if I didn't.    I got them off to school and Max off to work and sat in the house which was perfectly quiet except for the white noise of the dishwasher and washing machine.   The cats looked at me quizzically as if to say "Mom, what are you doing at home?"  and then "Okay, since you're here - feed us and scratch our bellies!"  The weird thing was that even through I was alone in the house for what seemed like the first time in months - I didn't mind it.  I actually enjoyed the solitude.   I guess having a family and knowing they will be back at a certain time keeps you focused on what you need to do before they all got home rather than watching day-time TV all day (interestingly enough - I think I only did that twice the whole time I was out of work).  So here I was during the holiday season with the time to actually get my holiday lists done.  I had to watch our money as closely as possible but probably not close enough because I was so sure I would find a job.  I needed to find one before the dreaded date of March 1st rolled around which meant if I was not working I would be eligible for unemployment (which is $330 per week before taxes in Georgia - not great but enough to buy groceries, gas, the utilities and then fall a few months behind on the rest of the bills).  

I was so sure I would get a job quickly - people knew me in this town.   They liked me.  I had connections.   I would be out of work for maybe two months, tops I thought.  It would be enough time for a  professional sabbatical and then right back into the fray.  I saw job ads for different types of fundraising including: international health, theater, museums, healthcare, animal rights, refugees, literacy, religious organizations etc.   I sent off at least three to four resumes with thoughtful cover letters to match each week.   I would get phone interviews but not be able to see the person on the other line to see if I was giving the information that the needed but would get a second interview think I aced it and then nothing.   I would get the interview - give them my references which they mentioned they would check immediately and then nothing.  I even had an organization ask me to do a strategic plan for the first month if I got the job with specific questions that I answered with contact names, phone numbers and grantors who were people I knew at the various foundations.  It was a consultant level document which they took, thanked me for and then never called me about until I sent an e-mail asking what was going on about three weeks later.  There were times especially after Skittles, our cat and my husband's car (which had once been my dad's car) died in the same month that I lost my job when I was wondering what God's big plan for me was.  We were down to one car that was already 13 years old and would not be able to get a new one anytime soon if that one died.   I knew this was a test and like all tests, the teacher is silent while you're taking it - so God seemed to be sitting quietly by while little by little things kept slipping away.  

I kept praying to my guardian angels and yet nothing of substance was happening.   I was a hot commodity but in this recession, the demand for hot commodities was not very high.   It was humbling.  I found that before this period of time I might have heard about people who were out of work for a year or more still trying to find a job and thought "You're just not trying hard enough."  I understood now how hard this job market is.   I had never been out of work for this long outside of coming to Georgia when Amber was two.  I had been doing fundraising in Miami for a long time and just needed a break for about a year.  But this time was different - it was not voluntary and we didn't have the money for me to coast for a year or until I figured out the next step.   I needed a job now and the uncertainty was beginning to bruise my already inwardly fragile ego (although outwardly I was still cracking jokes).   Luckily the OTC Comedy Troupe - my improv group, was getting bookings monthly.  I was also working with a group called ArtWorks Gwinnett which is a coalition of arts groups that promotes culture in the county.   Those two things along with this blog helped keep me sane and allowed me the chance to still network while I waited for that dream job to appear.   March 1 hit and I had to take the plunge and apply for unemployment and interestingly enough it was not as bad as I though it would be - everyone was supportive and in the same boat - there were no judgments.  

On my birthday, my friends (who were the two women I was close to in my last job) called to tell me that a job for a Development Director had opened up at a non-profit that helped adults with developmental disabilities and that I should apply for it.   The person that was in the job was moving to work with the foundation of a major corporation that had recently moved to town.   They sent me the job description and I applied but with less enthusiasm then usual.   It wasn't the job - it was just after six months of fruitless searching,  this too might be another dead end.   I got over myself after a few minutes and  was willing to give it a shot.   The resume and cover went out and by the end of the week the CEO asked me to come in and interview.   "This might finally be it!" I thought. I might finally have reached the end of the unemployment desert but I was also afraid that this might be another mirage that was not going to materialize.  

The night before the interview, I prayed to my guardian angels to give me a sign that this was the right place.   The next morning, I dropped Max off at work and drove to the location of my perspective employer.   I met with the person I would be replacing and my future boss in her office.  We sat down at a table that had an interesting piece of artwork behind it - a six paned window that was repurposed and painted with one angel dancing in each glass pane.    I got my angelic sign big time!  Inside I started to well up and quickly asked about the painting to give me time to gather my thoughts and keep my tears at bay.  It was a painting that one of the clients had done at the center and she loved having it in her office.  The rest of the interview went very well and I got a tour of the organization.   What was interesting was that it felt very comfortable and natural.   I had missed doing more grassroots one man band fundraising and this place was definitely what I was looking for.   I had raised money for abused children and always found social services to be very rewarding for the donor and those that got the donations - it was a win-win no matter how you sliced it.   After two more interviews with the volunteer leadership (one of which was in a restaurant where the my two friends showed up with my ex-coworkers randomly and waved as they walked by - another sign that my angels both human and celestial were looking out for me.) I finally got the last meeting in which I finally got a job offer.   While it was not quite as much as what I was making in my last job, the rewards of working for such a great established organization outweighed that.  I would be a member of the team making such a huge difference in the lives of adults that many times society doesn't want to deal with or acknowledge.  It would be a ton of work - there was no six person development department like the last place I worked - but the days would fly by.   I'd get to do some marketing and grant writing in addition to special events, direct mail and major gifts.   I started this new job the beginning of May and I can say that I am really enjoying my boss, coworkers and getting smiles from the people we serve as I walk in the door.   Unlike the last few weeks of my old job,  I look forward to coming in every day and there's not this sense of impending doom.   

So I guess the advice that I would give you Ann or anyone else who finds them self out of a job is to network, have interests outside the job and keep busy.   I got to taking long walks in the park to connect with nature and put another job rejection in perspective.    Conan O'Brien was booted out of one of the most successful late night franchises in history but found his way to TBS where he has more creative control and the people at TBS are going to stick with him as he builds his audience.  In fact he's been renewed through the spring of 2014.   Ann, you might just find your dream job after your contract with NBC runs out at any number of places that are looking for a strong woman who can bring their journalistic experience to a smaller network or cable station that will give you what you need because they appreciate someone like you.    It can be a long tough journey to find the place you're supposed to be.  But once you find it - you'll understand that your guardians angels had your back all along.  Your future is anything you want to make it - so smile and don't feel so sad about Today.