Ann Coulter and Me

Up until a few years ago I had no idea who Ann Coulter was.   Being a liberal, she simply was not on my radar.  But after being either told by total strangers how much I looked like her or being asked if I was her - I decided to do some research.   After watching a fair amount of clips on YouTube, I realized that this was a woman who shrieks like a fishwife while dismissing liberals as lower than pond scum.   She openly admits that her good looks and short black dresses give her the ability to say things that men just can't say - sexist and racist comments that sometimes go unchallenged by her fellow conservatives because she's easy on the eyes.   She has no shame in who her targets are, for instance calling the 911 widows harpies who are happy their husbands are dead so they can rival in the notoriety and spend the insurance money.   She calls other women ugly and then claims that criticizing a woman for how she looks is the worst form of sexism.   She even got confused during an interview in which she was angry at the Canadian government for not sending in troops to Iraq and mentioned how they used to support the United States during the Vietnam War with their army.   When the commentator corrected her and said that was not the case and that young men from the US went to Canada to avoid the draft, she was dismissive as if it was impossible for her to even consider being wrong.  Saying the most shocking things you can think of has worked for the last 20 years, but with this week marking Ann Coulter's 50th birthday, the days of the hot outrageous blond in high heels are starting to tick away faster then her biological clock.  

Make no mistake - Ann Coulter is a bully.   Luckily, my way of dealing with bullies is to laugh at them - so I decided a few years ago to use my good looks to mock everything she stands for.   From my experience, if you can make a bully look foolish or worse -- vulnerable, you rob them of their power.    I was also preparing to have my improv group do a live web show and knew that the internet could be a cold cruel place.  I figured that I would test the waters with these spoofs since she is a very polarizing figure.   She brings out strong emotions on both sides of the aisle so if I was going to parody her, I needed to get used to some push back.  I decided the first video would parody her need to get married (she's been engaged three times but never closed the deal).   James Carville (a liberal) and Mary Matalin (a conservative) have had a fairly successful marriage I had Ann reach out to the liberal media and "Matalin it" since Peter Alexander and Matt Lauer are a lot sexier than Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh.  I even did a fake book entitled:  Liberal Women:  Guiltless, Godless and Big Fat Skank Hos!"   The video ends with Ann's larynx dancing to the song All the Single Ladies.   The responses have been interesting - either I'm a transvestite, or I'm morbidly obese or I'm way hotter than Ann or I have a botched nose job.   If the comments are not obscene - I leave them on the YouTube page.    It was a good training ground for a full assault with other videos - if I could handle jibes about my weight, I could handle anything.   Click here to watch the video. 

The next video featured my son Daniel, as "Skippy" - Ann's "adopted" son which was a Ann's ploy to get the attention of liberal Hollywood, specifically Brad Pitt and George Clooney.   As with any premise of comedy in which you are dealing with a character that is arrogant and self serving, young Skippy always gets the upper hand and steals the show.   The reactions to that video included me being called a Nazi by a conservative and a liberal.   For the conservative, he felt I was using a child for propaganda which was a page right out of the Third Reich play book.  The liberal thought I was the real Ann Coulter and banned me from Canada.  I came to the conclusion that those people really don't understand what a Nazi is if you can confuse horrific crimes against humanity with a silly video.  Click here to watch this video. It's just a sign of the times I guess to use a word like Nazi whenever you don't agree with someone - it's very Ann Coulter like. 

I've done about five other Coulter spoofs which have included other guest stars like "Jigsaw", "Samera Morgan", and "Hillary Clinton."   The reaction is usually predictable - if you're a liberal, you love them and if you are a diehard Ann Coulter fan, you hate them.   However, not every conservative that I know (yes, gasp - I do have friends who are conservative) agrees with her and they think she's bad for their cause.  One conservative Christian writer named Dan Borchers actually asked me to do a video of Ann on her 50th birthday for the release of his new book - The Beauty of Conservatism - The Seduction of Ann Coulter and Cuckolding of Conscience.  This latest video is  another parody with Ann in her basement celebrating her birthday with her stupid cat named Stupid and a skull named Yorrick reading the unflattering portrait and freaking out.   The book is a very good read and makes valid points about how she never takes responsibility for what she says and claims victim status when she created the mess.   It makes you think about how ambition and the thirst for fame can mutate you into a swirling vat of vitriol.   If you are interested in downloading a free copy of the book you can go to http://www.coulterwatch.com/beauty.pdf

In a parallel universe, I am the nicer, kinder Ann Coulter.  The one who has worked in non-profits all her working life and has tried to help people when she can.   The one that knows what it's like to love a man through good times and bad and in sickness and in health - to have two children that you adore and who teach you that  you are not the center of the universe.  Sure I might have a bitchy sardonic comment to make here and there, but it's usually for someone who deserves it not for a widow coping with the loss of husband or a mother grieving over the loss of her son in Iraq.    No, I save my barbs for commentators who will say anything to get attention no matter how ridiculous it sounds - like how conservative blacks are so much smarter than liberal blacks or that if there was a prenatal test for a gay gene, liberals would abort homosexual fetuses because they believe in abortion.   I mean, who the hell really says that?  Besides the liberal mothers I know would love the fact that they would be the only woman their gay sons would ever love.  

I guess now that she's hit the big 50 - I feel some compassion for her.  In reality, you can trade on your looks for only so long.   There will always be someone younger and prettier with bigger boobs who will be ready to take over.   Sure, being attractive gets your foot in the door, but if you don't have more to say for yourself other than a tirade of hateful demagoguery eventually people will get tired of you.   So far, she's had a good run but as the years pass, she won't be as hot any more and her rhetoric will become more outrageous just to get attention.  Bill O'Reilly will eventually move onto someone younger and more appealing.   

My prayer for Ann is that this holiday season, she's visited by the three ghosts of Christmas past, present and future.   Maybe when faced with the reality that in the next 20 years,  she might be reduced to nothing more than the mean women on the corner who yells at the kids for laughing in the street and tells them to get off her lawn, she'll be scared enough to change her ways.   Maybe she'll want to help with an Extreme Makeover for a family who is facing hard times.  Maybe she'll want to help the 911 orphans.  Maybe she'll stop smoking and help the American Lung Association - so much good to do and still so much time.   The holidays are the time to make mankind your business.   While being good and kind might not make her quite as interesting a guest on FOX, it will help her life become more fair and balanced.    Oh, and that sound of a short skirt rustling in the background of the O'Reilly Factor- that's Megan McCain.  God bless us everyone!